well rested

It's Friday, and I'm at the coffeehouse. Exhausted from resting.

I was thinking of going to my sister's house over the week-end, but I don't think I'm going to do that. I think I'm just going to concentrate on my writing, which I have not really been working on at all. We'll see. It's like I spend HOURS sleeping and doing nothing, and then maybe one or two hours during the day working on my book. So, I guess I won't go to my sister's house over the week-end. I will need those extra two hours to do some work. Or should I say, I'll have two extra hours of work under my belt.

concentration

It's Wednesday, after Christmas, and I'm at the coffeehouse. Doing nothing.

I'm having trouble concentrating on my writing. Which is absurd, because I constantly complain about my life, and my writing is a way I could change it. I might leave soon, I keep saying I have all this time to write lately, but ... the problem is that if I don't actually do it, I'm screwed.

I'm going to go to the movies today, and then I will go to the bookstore tonight. Hopefully, it will be a good trip.

I'm going to wait to buy my new computer. On January 15, they are having a Macworld event, and I should get it after that in case they revamp the new Macs, boost their speeds or drop prices.

so bland

It's Sunday, and I'm at the coffeehouse. I need to find a new place to hang out, this one is getting boring.

I'm going to work on my book, completely. That is what I need to do, maybe not even get a new computer. Or maybe I should find a new job.

Actually, what I really need to do is just work on my book. Like constantly. I really want to finish it. It's so funny, because this nice girl at the coffeehouse just said we should hang out, but in reality, all I ever do is hang out at coffeehouses. And I'm so tired. But yet, I don't really work enough on my book. But I should. The book is all that matters. I should try to finish it as soon as possible. No, I am going to finish it as soon as possible. That way I will never have to work on the week-ends again.

world of warcraft

So, I play this game World of Warcraft. It's funny, because my nephew would always rag on me, saying I wasn't playing the game right. That I wasn't leveling fast enough. And all I could think was, you're an idiot. I'm not trying to compete on this stupid game. It's fun and addictive, though.

My sister is supposed to be sending me a gift card for Apple, but it's driving me crazy. I don't want to wait anymore. I just want the damn computer. I think I'm going to go buy it tomorrow, but then again, I might force myself to wait. The other thing I might do is go see Sweeney Todd, but it looks like crap. I hate how they titled it "Demon Barber of Fleet Street." It's like, yes idiots, we know where the fucking musical came from.

I was at the bookstore tonight, and it seemed so boring. I am going to go on the foxlanews or whatever website and look for some fresh coffeehouses to hang out at. Maybe I will go to the upscale coffeehouse tomorrow night, even though it is vile. At least they have fucking awesome cappucinos.

pumpkin pie

I'm at the coffeehouse/laundromat. There is an odd man here, who keeps going on and on about how he wants a piece of pumpkin pie. Another man is here, one who masticates loudly when he eats.

I should be working on my book, but ... I can't seem to concentrate. I look at the book and stare off. I've come to realize that, I just sort of ... my mind is conditioned to go from one stimulus to another. And honestly, I don't really like it. I'm basically bored with my life. And that has been a constant thing, for years now. It's part of what makes me want to quit my job, because I don't want to live this life where I am overstimulated. I don't want to drop dead of a heart attack for a job that is meaningless.

I'm thinking of going to get a new computer today, another concept I hve been mulling over for quite some time. We'll see.

dream

I had a dream last night. My frenemy, the one who got a great job, was working as an assistant on a TV show. There was a really handsome black actor on it, who was really homophobic. She was working a new job as a secretary, and I was sort of a mailboy, but I told her, "They wouldn't give me a job, even though I applied." Yet, I was sort of working for them, but I was still a mailboy. Then they were trying to offer me pie, they were all eating pie, and I thought it looked delicious, but I was TOTALLY avoiding them asking me if I wanted a piece.

Then it was 11 o'clock, but I was till sort of not at work. And I kept trying to figure out if I even had a job, if I was working on this production or working in the mailroom.

rip it

I got up early this morning and worked on the book a bit. Like, fifteen minutes at a time. But I think I realize what stunts creativity. And that's THINKING about writing instead of just doing it.

I told myself that if I am not going to work on the week-end, then I need to put in the same amount of time at writing as I would at the spa.

forcing myself to work

I'm thinking of forcing myself to finish the novel. Meaning no WoW until it's done.

It's interesting to me, Dean Koontz kind of said it, that the web distracts you from working. And I'm tired of being distracted. I just want to work on my novel.

It's interesting to be, because ... I can see certain patterns in my life. I've been thinking this morning, about how people are like frogs that sit in a pan of hot water. If you gradually raise the temperature, the frog will sit there until it dies. And I see that in myself, but I feel like I seek out distractions. Like Wow, or even hating my horrible job, that will keep me from being distracted from what I really need to do in this life. I feel like I'm almost drawn to things that will validate my need to sit in one place.

So I sort of want to break that pattern.

bordered bored

I was at Borders, and it just seemed so boring sitting there. So yesterday.

I've been working on the book, and ... its so difficult in a way. Because I keep reading the same five pages over and over. But maybe that's not a bad thing. Because, I don't necessarily think writing a book is an easy thing. I feel like I'm really changing in a way.

I've been thinking how bored I am. But I'm not bored, because life is sort of endlessly fascinating. Like even Wow is so interesting, because it is just a whole bloody world to run around in. But what I was really thinking is, I'm bored with everything around me, but I'm not really bored with life. Life has many dimensions to it. I'm not bored with the idea of making movies and editing them. That interests me. Even the book interests me, because it's a challenge.

What interests me about the book is, really writing what I mean to write, not just filling the pages because I want to make a million dollars. I realized something, I don't want to make a million dollars, but what I want it, to fill my life with things that interest me.

sunday run of the mill

It's Sunday, and Im at the coffeehouse. It's weird, how I'm coming back here a lot. I see myself in a phase where I start coming here again.

I don't want to do massage, ever again. I'm so sick of it. Well, I guess that's not true. I'm sure I will again. But, I don't really feel like it now. But then again, I sort of sit around too much when I have too much time off. And of course, I'm not really working on my book.

And as much as I try to get myself out of debt ... there it still is. I need to get a new computer, my world of warcraft doesn't work at all. But ... geez, there I go again, spending money I don't have.

It's so weird, though. A part of my just thinks ... don't worry about it. I spend so much time worrying that I get nothing done in life. I just sort of can't care anymore. So what if the world if screwed up, and so what if I have more debt than I can possibly handle. I guess the universe will just have to help me out.

I look around, and the world seems kind of sad to me sometimes. It's such a strange thing, to see people who are ... I don't want to say unhappy, but ... I come into this coffee place, and there are so many disturbed clients. There are so many people who come here who seem to have difficulty dealing with the world. Well, that's not true, I see a couple. But when I went to Starbucks in Santa Monica yesterday, it was shocking. There was an old man who was balling up napkins and throwing them into the trash from a table. And he kept missing. I found it so disturbing, because his lack of manners was so obvious. And another woman was muttering to herself.

A part of me thinks that it would be better if I didn't get a new computer, and just stopped playing World of Warcraft. Am I a hideous addict, like that guy who started the website wowrecovery.com? It looks like my symptoms are only mild, at least compared to that guys. But it's interesting to me, that people hate their lives so much. Not interesting in the sense that ... I wonder why people find such a hard time focusing on reality? The pain is too intense?

funny stuff

I'm at the funky coffeehouse/laundromat, writing.

Tragedy struck today, I could not access my World of Warcraft. I'm thinking of buying a new Imac tomorrow, which is something I shouldn't do. But ... I don't know, that is something I need to think about. It might be better for me if I can't access Wow, but then again, it is a fun diversion.

Interestingly, I have been working really hard on the book, and I went back and rewrote the first chapter. And i have been working on it and working on it and ... it hasn't been going anywhere. So i finally realized, I don't really want to write this new version of it. And even more bizarre, I went back to the original first chapter ande realized, "I'm just going to edit this."

Maybe it is a good thing, that I stopped working. Maybe it was meant to be after all, because then I can concentrate on the book. And if I don't end up re-writing the whole thing, well, then maybe I will finish it sooner than I thought. And again, I don't really want to just finish it, I want to ... well, I actually do just want to finish it. I have spent so much time writing it that I have lost all perspective on whether it is good or not.

But if I buy that flippin' mac, I will have to start working again.

mid-life crisis

I was at the bookstore just now, and it was completely vile. And i just wanted to leave, very badly. I realized, I don't want to be in this place, I don't want to be around horrible greedy people doing their X-mas shopping, it was vile. I realized taht I want to be somewhere funky and hip, like the laundromat/coffeehouse. I don't want to work at a horrible company, like the movie studio, surrounded by greedy people. I think I do want to do massage for a living, I don't want to be in a normal world, surrounded by boring people. I only want to do things that interest me, like write.

I was thinking about my writing. And ... I realized something. I sort of write ... in a rush. I write, because I'm dying to escape the horrible people at my work. But ... even though I write things that interest me, I don't write from my heart. I write from this place of ... writing what I think people will like.

I'm supposed to go to this stupid country club tomorrow, to have a lunch with my sister. And I don't want to go. I realized, I'm not that person, I'm not a country club guy. I'm a guy who works at a cheesy spa, maybe, who just lives a funky life.

Bloggin'

Time for me to change the name of this blog, I'm tired of it. I need something with a point of view that is ... my point of view.

I also want a new Mac.

My friend at work does these raps that are really cool. His name is Arek. I am kind of inspired by it, I'm going to direct his little music videos. I've never thought of directing before, but I'm really inspired by this kid's music. I don't know why. It makes me want to direct.

I guess I'm really inspired by this whole internet world we live in. I love that we have this great means to express ourselves.

In the coffeehouse just now, this woman went off on one of the workers. It sso rude to hear that, its so rude to hear people screaming in a coffeehouse. It shows how selfish a person is that they would come in here and disrupt everyone by shouting. You sort of prove you are wrong by being so selfish.