Monday morning blah

It's Monday morning, and I'm at the coffeehouse. I'm really tired from working yesterday. Will I be perpetually tired if I start working at the spa full time?

I did a shift of four, but I will be doing five from now on. And for some reason, I am exhausted by the idea of working on the book. Which is not a good thing. Working on the weekends shouldn't take away from my novel. But I did make a lot of money at the spa.

Probably the way I eat is a factor. I eat too much garbage. After the spa, I went and had a huge, disgusting hamburger.

A girl at the spa once told me that the problem with doing massage was that it uses up the same creative energy as writing does. And it's kind of true. But I think another problem for me is that ... if I feel overwhelmed, I can't do something. And when I take away that week-end of working, I feel like I don't have enough time to write.

But then again, I am not writing now so ... I don't know.

i got an iphone

I got an Iphone. I'm ... well, like anything, you want something, and then when you get it, it's just another material possesion. However, it is really nice. I think it's like, the single greatest product I've ever seen. It does everything flawlessly. E-mail, internet, everything. I love it all.

dark rivers

I'm at the coffeehouse on Saturday morning. I'm going to the spa to work tomorrow. I'm actually excited about that again, mostly because I want to put myself into a position where I will feel more secure about leaving my job.

I was SOOOOO tired when I woke up this morning, I had a terrible night's sleep. Nothing too guide related, though.

I'm thinking of going to get the Iphone, but something tells me I shouldn't. Probably because I am going to snap and quit my job, and I won't need the extra 20 dollar a month bill. It's so stupid, how I spend money I don't have.

I have a great book I'm dying to read, and ... it's called "The Dark River." But I'm actually showing the strength of character to work on my book instead.

friday at the coffeehouse

It's Friday, and I'm at the coffeehouse. Dreading going in to work. I left my id at home, and now I have to go back and get it. Which will be okay, because I will be able to drop off my computer.

I need to do something at work. I need to talk to people about the situation. Or just leave.

I drink to stay awake

It's Thursday night, and I'm drinking a cappucino. I've started doing that again, which is ridiculous. But, there I go.

It's interesting, because I need to leave my job, big time. I'm going to have big problems if I don't, because my evil supervisor is, well, evil. And I guess I'm going to have to ...

I wonder if I will be able to do massage full time? I wonder if it will wear me out. It's interesting, because I see myself writing a lot, like, spending my whole days writing and writing. But, will that happen? Can I stand to write 10 hours a day? Or will I just stick myself into the same ... rut that I've always been in?

I really want to write. I'm bored with everything else. I can see myself writing constantly, and ... recovering from doing massage the rest of the time.

work smarter

So, I'm thinking about ... I'm thinking about the fact that I think all the time, and that ... I'm so obsessed with stupid shit that never gets me anywhere. Actually, I just think about ridiculous ... baloney all the time. I think about work, I think about how much I despise the people there.

Isn't that ... I don't know, the nature of my whole life? I remember defining my life by my situations, living at home and going to school. I remember hating the kids at school, and hating my parents. And now, I look at work, and my horrid boss, and it feels like the same thing. It feels like I just occupy myself with ridiculous bullshit, and don't concentrate on anything that could help me live a better life, like finishing my book.

I probably should have finished it by now, but ... I haven't. And I haven't, because ... I don't know why. Because I goof off all the time.

I was thinking to myself that in a way, my writing is like mental gymnastics. I spend all this time writing, over the years, and I have done nothing with it. Should I be in writing classes, perfecting my craft? Probably, though probably not. I guess on some level, I am terrified by the idea that I could be criticized. I really don't like that concept at all. But, that's okay too.

If I start working on the weekend again, which I totally need to do, I am going to force myself to go to the bookstore on either Thursday or Friday night. And, stinker that I am, I'm going to drop shifts every once in a while.

I'm also going to figure out a way to have zero debt. I HATE the debt thing. It is the worst poison you can possibly have in your life.

The rain in spain

Another day at the coffeehouse. I"m really tired, I guess emotionally. It's hard to watch my supervisor at work, doing nothing.

It's interesting to me, though, that I don't get any writing done. Well, very little. Or one could say, not enough. My new solution is that I'm going to spend less time at work, and let everyone else cover everything. I'll probably leave that place, and soon, but ... I really want to have a bit of a nest egg.

Maybe I could come up with the idea of ... finishing the book before I leave. If I finish the book, then I can quit my job. Or I'll just quit.

wretchedness

I feel totally wretched today. I should be working on my book, and I have NO ENERGY whatsoever. I was wondering if it's something to do with my eating. Probably, my diet is horrible. I need to stop eating junk food.

I watch my supervisor at work, and he's so lazy. He sits there and does nothing. All day long.

I physically don't think I can go into that place anymore. It exhausts me, just thinking about it. I may have to just quit, and never go back. I mean, never go back at all.

I had a dream last night, I was a hopeful dream, about movie ideas. And in one part, I was directing a film I had written, and ... it was just nice, to feel something positive.

I think about negativity, and the concept of dwelling in it. And ... I have to admit, it doesn't feel good to dwell in despair. I was thinking also ... when I think back on my life, my college days with Tammy, it's interesting to me that in so many ways, I'm the same person.

I had this fortune cookie that said, something to the effect of, an idiot does the same thing over and over and expects different results. And in some ways, I have done that. I have gone to my stupid job, I've done the same things over and over and expected different results, when none have shown up.

superhero

It's weird, because ... I can't write this morning, and I keep thinking that I should be writing all the time. It's psychologically strange, to know that I'm going to start working on the weekend again, it makes me tired. I really want the money, though. I just want to go home and eat junk food, and not do anything.

But maybe ... it's just hard to live life, sometimes. It's like I don't want to do anything, because I feel really tired, and I know I'm not going to have time to rest.

I'm interested, in the way we drift into ... despair, would you call it? Drift into the end of our lives.

I really want to rest. I want to live a life, where I don't have to do anything anymore. Meaning, I don't want to work, I don't want to have debt. But mostly, I don't want to have to struggle with other people. Is that too much to ask for? I want to not have to work, to only do the work I want to do, because I enjoy it. I really want everything on my own terms. Is that the ultimate in selfish, or is it simply natural? Do we all deserve happiness? Is suffering just a part of human nature?

I'm interested in how we make compromises, and we slowly ... drift to the end of our lives. Or even when you look at our chi. We get older and we ... die. Do we only have a certain amount of energy available? Are we doomed, after that?

another tuesday in the coffeehouse

So, it's Tuesday, and I'm at the coffeehouse. I got here, I guess around 6:30, which is stupid, because ... why the hell can't I get here more early?

I keep thinking about quitting my job and just doing massage. And I might. But ... I really want to pay off my bills, and maybe buy more crap that I know I'm going to want, like a new computer. I'm really tired. By life. I actually don't think I can continue working at my stupid job. But it would be so much better, if I could save up some money, and ... well, and not have so much debt.

It would be cool if I could hang out til next year, and take my four weeks vacation from work. But then I think, why bother? It's just prolonging the inevitable. Why not just get it over with and quit.

Another part of me wants to just work and have money put aside. I mean, if I were to pay off all my bills, I could really have such a better life.

But, I also feel like ... I want to write my books. And I don't have the chance to do that, when I am working like an animal. It's weird, because I feel creative, lately. I keep getting new ideas. But, I also feel ... I feel like ... I probably just need to finish the books. And really, I will finish them, and I will have more than enough time to write, no matter what petty details I confront in the near future. I'll tell you one thing, universe, it is really great not to owe money. It's really great to have money, and not to have to worry about debt. That is one thing I would not like about doing massage, having to worry all the time about how much money I was going to make.

I tell myself it's nothing to just work on a saturday morning, and ... I guess to a certain degree that's true. But, I can also feel myself getting tired. I can feel myself, not wanting to work on the book. And really, that is a problem.

check this out

This is fantastic:

more writing

I'm still at the coffeehouse, this has been a marathon session for me. I've worked a lot. Or at least, I've sat here a lot. Which is a good thing. I've never been the sort of person who could sit in a coffeehouse for hours on end, but I need to do that, to get some work done.

I am working next weekend, which is also good. I think. I need the money, I really want to pay everything off. But I also need to do something about my current job.

Or maybe I don't? I need to keep working on the book, I need to keep working on the book, I need to keep working on the book. That has to be my mantra.

At least when I work on the weekend, I have time to put in a good session here first. If I get here early, I can even work three hours.

my new job

So, I go back to my new job over the weekend. And ... I pretty much think I'm going to quit working and just do the weekend gig, doing massage. It's weird, but ... damn, I hate my job. I think I will hate doing massage after a while, but ... maybe not. Maybe I will just have more time to write. And the good thing about the spa is ... I'm not really sure what the good thing is.

I was writing in my journal, the one I have to write in when I go to the bookstore, since they don't have Wifi, but ... I was writing in it, and I was writing about yesterday, how I had a kind of epiphany at the spa. I was sitting there, and ... I just thought about why I stay at one point in my life. I think it was my brain age game that said that my prefrontal cortex or whatever it is called isn't activated when you have habits, like biting your nails or such. Which would be be ripping out my eyebrows.

But it was so strange, because my mind seemed to be totally activated when I was at the spa, and I just thought about all those silly thoughts that go around and around in ones head.

What I will have to do is work all day shifts, when I work. If I pulled all day-ers on Saturday and Sunday, I could make ... well, enough to get by. I could potentially do ... well, earn half of the money I would need to survive.

When I break it down, working at the spa just isn't enough money to survive. And the strange thing is, working there on the side takes my time away from writing. So ... where does that leave me? It leaves me wandering around in a loop. A loop that sucks. But, I am glad that I have options, so I can walk away from my job if I need to do so.

If I worked all day saturday and all day sunday, I could then work two full days during the week, and I would have enough money to survive. Actually, I could work all day saturday and all day sunday, and then work three days during the week, and I would have enough money to survive.

That sucks. My book is my only real hope to survive.

friday

It's is friday, and ... I'm at the coffeehouse. I got up ... not that early today, I woke once at 2 in the morning, or something, and fell back asleep. I think I didn't wake up again until after five. Somehow, I decided that it would be a good idea to jog. I ran for like, half a block, and almost collapsed.

It's interesting, because I came home last night. I had wanted to go to the coffeehouse, but events conspired against me. So, I went home and ate, I emptied my refrigerator, and defrosted it. It totally made me want to clean my house out, just clear everything up.

I've been thinking about drama lately, and how my life revolves about me thinking and thinking and thinking about stupid stuff. And how little I really write. Like last night, I went home, and I didn't really write at all. I think I wrote for like, less than an hour. And now it's morning, and I ... I'm avoiding writing again. But I think if I put in any time in the morning, it's a good thing.

It's interesting to me, because I feel like I am going to start writing even more than I do. I could see myself just totally writing all the time.

yester-daze

I hung out with my family yesterday, mostly my nephew. I went home, and felt disgusted with myself. I ate way too much sugar, and crap. And we went and saw Transformers.

In a lot of ways, it was the greatest movie ever. The images of big killer robots were cool. But overall, the plot was so bloody stupid. It's really sad to me, that Hollywood can't create a story that is worthwhile. It's also disheartening and sad, that people lap up this garbage so quickly.

I'm really tired of everything that I see around me. I'm bored by this society, this world. I'm tired, I just feel so tired by all of it. I'm starting to feel like I don't want to come to the coffeehouse anymore. I'm sort of wishing I had never signed up for a shift at the spa either. I just want to get to the weekend relax.

I feel like I'm feeling more. Like ... I would always walk around and feel a certain constricted energy around my chest. But I feel different. I don't feel all that fearful energy.

4th of July

It's Wednesday, and I'm at the coffeehouse. I've been pretty gbood about showing up here and writing, but I'm almost burning out on it all. I'm feeling pretty burned out on everything, I dont want to work anymore, I don't ...

I don't know if I can say I don't want to write. I actually feel more interested in writing than ever. Because ... I feel more centered in a way. I was thinking last night about worry, and it's just something that keeps you from doing the things you really want to do in life. It's not necessarily a mind-blowing concept, but ... it felt like it last night.

I love blogger, because you can save your posts before posting them, and just ... post them later.

OOOH, I should include Donna, the Runaway Bride, from Dr. Who. Here is the beginning of an episode I watched last night.



The clip I watched last night got suspended. I watched the whole episode. It was fantastic.

I love this girl, Catherine Tate. She is a total star. She has this way of playing a sort of screwball comedy character, a woman who is abrasive, yet lovable. I have never watched Dr. Who, but I am going to watch next season, just to see her.

gotta move on

It's Tuesday morning, and I'm sort of excited about having a day off tomorrow. I feel this sort of horrible, desperate ... exhaustion. I don't want to work anymore, I just want to write and work on my novel. But the realities of life are that I need to earn money.

I feeel a sense of relief, when I center. When I forget about all my fears, and just relax.

My sister told me I was depressed, and it's true. I've realized something, and it's that I'm stuck in my life. It doesn't really move forward. I had these dreams, about Kevin Whxxeeler, who was one of my childhood friends. And I sort of look back, And I see that my inability to move forward, or not inability, but the simple fact that I don't ... it relates to my childhood. When I was younger, I would wait to get older, so that my life would change.

I just ordered my sister a gift off the internet, it is SOOOO much more convenient than old technology, of suffering and having to go to the store.

Anyhoo, I got a lot done yesterday, and I think I am going to go to the store tonight and ... the bookstore, and hang out. Maybe eat a gross sandwich there, or go get some sushi. For some reason, I am spending money madly this week.

spa

It's Monday morning, and I'm going back to work. I'm really tired of working. I'm worn out from it. I'm worn out from doing everything in my office.

I was looking at these pictures of Paris Hilton in Hawaii, and ... geez, I just really want to go there. I want to get away from all this.

I'm going back to the spa this Saturday, and I don't even know if I can do it. I don't even know if I can spend one day working on people. But then again, I think, I'm not going to really be doing that much massage. I'm going to be mostly writing.

Is it true that I am happy working a lot? If so, will I be wanting to do a lot of massage?

I just feel kind of emotionally spent from working. From everything. I don't know how to describe it. I'm sort of bloody bored with it all. I just want to go away somewhere. I want to just rest, and not work.

Maybe I should just quit, and never go back. That is the real problem. I am completely bored with what I am doing. It just bores the shit out of me, to have to go to that place and work. In fact, I think I might call in sick. In fact, that is a really wonderful idea. I think I am going to call in sick and take the day off. And work on my book. And do nothing. Maybe try to go get my Iphone.

Of course, I don't really want an Iphone anymore, or at least ... It all seems so petty and materialistic.

suffering for art

It's Sunday, and I'm at Rumor Mill. It is incredibly hot in here, and there is a new artist, hanging her artwork.

I got almost no writing done yesterday. It was strange, I sort of re-read old pages, but didn't get into editing any further. And I feel like I'm not getting much done today, either. Maybe because I really want my Iphone.

I went to Barnes and Noble last night, to use my new AT&T wifi, and it was absolutely vile. It was so crowded, from the new theatres. And there were noisy people in the coffeehouse. I think I am going to have to go there during the week. I weill leave Borders for the weekend. I finally left Barnes and Noble, after sitting there for an hour, because a noisy older couple were sitting next to me.

But other than that ...

Oh yeah, the guide energy is getting weird. I'm feeling VERY intuitive. As in, it feels like something is finally happening. For so many months, years, I've been going, "Why is this happening?" And more importantly, I've been saying to myself, nothing is happening. But then I realized, it sort of is. And I've been walking around feeling very intuitive. I felt like I couldn't be around anyone, like I was picking up on them too much.