well rested

It's Friday, and I'm at the coffeehouse. Exhausted from resting.

I was thinking of going to my sister's house over the week-end, but I don't think I'm going to do that. I think I'm just going to concentrate on my writing, which I have not really been working on at all. We'll see. It's like I spend HOURS sleeping and doing nothing, and then maybe one or two hours during the day working on my book. So, I guess I won't go to my sister's house over the week-end. I will need those extra two hours to do some work. Or should I say, I'll have two extra hours of work under my belt.

concentration

It's Wednesday, after Christmas, and I'm at the coffeehouse. Doing nothing.

I'm having trouble concentrating on my writing. Which is absurd, because I constantly complain about my life, and my writing is a way I could change it. I might leave soon, I keep saying I have all this time to write lately, but ... the problem is that if I don't actually do it, I'm screwed.

I'm going to go to the movies today, and then I will go to the bookstore tonight. Hopefully, it will be a good trip.

I'm going to wait to buy my new computer. On January 15, they are having a Macworld event, and I should get it after that in case they revamp the new Macs, boost their speeds or drop prices.

so bland

It's Sunday, and I'm at the coffeehouse. I need to find a new place to hang out, this one is getting boring.

I'm going to work on my book, completely. That is what I need to do, maybe not even get a new computer. Or maybe I should find a new job.

Actually, what I really need to do is just work on my book. Like constantly. I really want to finish it. It's so funny, because this nice girl at the coffeehouse just said we should hang out, but in reality, all I ever do is hang out at coffeehouses. And I'm so tired. But yet, I don't really work enough on my book. But I should. The book is all that matters. I should try to finish it as soon as possible. No, I am going to finish it as soon as possible. That way I will never have to work on the week-ends again.

world of warcraft

So, I play this game World of Warcraft. It's funny, because my nephew would always rag on me, saying I wasn't playing the game right. That I wasn't leveling fast enough. And all I could think was, you're an idiot. I'm not trying to compete on this stupid game. It's fun and addictive, though.

My sister is supposed to be sending me a gift card for Apple, but it's driving me crazy. I don't want to wait anymore. I just want the damn computer. I think I'm going to go buy it tomorrow, but then again, I might force myself to wait. The other thing I might do is go see Sweeney Todd, but it looks like crap. I hate how they titled it "Demon Barber of Fleet Street." It's like, yes idiots, we know where the fucking musical came from.

I was at the bookstore tonight, and it seemed so boring. I am going to go on the foxlanews or whatever website and look for some fresh coffeehouses to hang out at. Maybe I will go to the upscale coffeehouse tomorrow night, even though it is vile. At least they have fucking awesome cappucinos.

pumpkin pie

I'm at the coffeehouse/laundromat. There is an odd man here, who keeps going on and on about how he wants a piece of pumpkin pie. Another man is here, one who masticates loudly when he eats.

I should be working on my book, but ... I can't seem to concentrate. I look at the book and stare off. I've come to realize that, I just sort of ... my mind is conditioned to go from one stimulus to another. And honestly, I don't really like it. I'm basically bored with my life. And that has been a constant thing, for years now. It's part of what makes me want to quit my job, because I don't want to live this life where I am overstimulated. I don't want to drop dead of a heart attack for a job that is meaningless.

I'm thinking of going to get a new computer today, another concept I hve been mulling over for quite some time. We'll see.

dream

I had a dream last night. My frenemy, the one who got a great job, was working as an assistant on a TV show. There was a really handsome black actor on it, who was really homophobic. She was working a new job as a secretary, and I was sort of a mailboy, but I told her, "They wouldn't give me a job, even though I applied." Yet, I was sort of working for them, but I was still a mailboy. Then they were trying to offer me pie, they were all eating pie, and I thought it looked delicious, but I was TOTALLY avoiding them asking me if I wanted a piece.

Then it was 11 o'clock, but I was till sort of not at work. And I kept trying to figure out if I even had a job, if I was working on this production or working in the mailroom.

rip it

I got up early this morning and worked on the book a bit. Like, fifteen minutes at a time. But I think I realize what stunts creativity. And that's THINKING about writing instead of just doing it.

I told myself that if I am not going to work on the week-end, then I need to put in the same amount of time at writing as I would at the spa.

forcing myself to work

I'm thinking of forcing myself to finish the novel. Meaning no WoW until it's done.

It's interesting to me, Dean Koontz kind of said it, that the web distracts you from working. And I'm tired of being distracted. I just want to work on my novel.

It's interesting to be, because ... I can see certain patterns in my life. I've been thinking this morning, about how people are like frogs that sit in a pan of hot water. If you gradually raise the temperature, the frog will sit there until it dies. And I see that in myself, but I feel like I seek out distractions. Like Wow, or even hating my horrible job, that will keep me from being distracted from what I really need to do in this life. I feel like I'm almost drawn to things that will validate my need to sit in one place.

So I sort of want to break that pattern.

bordered bored

I was at Borders, and it just seemed so boring sitting there. So yesterday.

I've been working on the book, and ... its so difficult in a way. Because I keep reading the same five pages over and over. But maybe that's not a bad thing. Because, I don't necessarily think writing a book is an easy thing. I feel like I'm really changing in a way.

I've been thinking how bored I am. But I'm not bored, because life is sort of endlessly fascinating. Like even Wow is so interesting, because it is just a whole bloody world to run around in. But what I was really thinking is, I'm bored with everything around me, but I'm not really bored with life. Life has many dimensions to it. I'm not bored with the idea of making movies and editing them. That interests me. Even the book interests me, because it's a challenge.

What interests me about the book is, really writing what I mean to write, not just filling the pages because I want to make a million dollars. I realized something, I don't want to make a million dollars, but what I want it, to fill my life with things that interest me.

sunday run of the mill

It's Sunday, and Im at the coffeehouse. It's weird, how I'm coming back here a lot. I see myself in a phase where I start coming here again.

I don't want to do massage, ever again. I'm so sick of it. Well, I guess that's not true. I'm sure I will again. But, I don't really feel like it now. But then again, I sort of sit around too much when I have too much time off. And of course, I'm not really working on my book.

And as much as I try to get myself out of debt ... there it still is. I need to get a new computer, my world of warcraft doesn't work at all. But ... geez, there I go again, spending money I don't have.

It's so weird, though. A part of my just thinks ... don't worry about it. I spend so much time worrying that I get nothing done in life. I just sort of can't care anymore. So what if the world if screwed up, and so what if I have more debt than I can possibly handle. I guess the universe will just have to help me out.

I look around, and the world seems kind of sad to me sometimes. It's such a strange thing, to see people who are ... I don't want to say unhappy, but ... I come into this coffee place, and there are so many disturbed clients. There are so many people who come here who seem to have difficulty dealing with the world. Well, that's not true, I see a couple. But when I went to Starbucks in Santa Monica yesterday, it was shocking. There was an old man who was balling up napkins and throwing them into the trash from a table. And he kept missing. I found it so disturbing, because his lack of manners was so obvious. And another woman was muttering to herself.

A part of me thinks that it would be better if I didn't get a new computer, and just stopped playing World of Warcraft. Am I a hideous addict, like that guy who started the website wowrecovery.com? It looks like my symptoms are only mild, at least compared to that guys. But it's interesting to me, that people hate their lives so much. Not interesting in the sense that ... I wonder why people find such a hard time focusing on reality? The pain is too intense?

funny stuff

I'm at the funky coffeehouse/laundromat, writing.

Tragedy struck today, I could not access my World of Warcraft. I'm thinking of buying a new Imac tomorrow, which is something I shouldn't do. But ... I don't know, that is something I need to think about. It might be better for me if I can't access Wow, but then again, it is a fun diversion.

Interestingly, I have been working really hard on the book, and I went back and rewrote the first chapter. And i have been working on it and working on it and ... it hasn't been going anywhere. So i finally realized, I don't really want to write this new version of it. And even more bizarre, I went back to the original first chapter ande realized, "I'm just going to edit this."

Maybe it is a good thing, that I stopped working. Maybe it was meant to be after all, because then I can concentrate on the book. And if I don't end up re-writing the whole thing, well, then maybe I will finish it sooner than I thought. And again, I don't really want to just finish it, I want to ... well, I actually do just want to finish it. I have spent so much time writing it that I have lost all perspective on whether it is good or not.

But if I buy that flippin' mac, I will have to start working again.

mid-life crisis

I was at the bookstore just now, and it was completely vile. And i just wanted to leave, very badly. I realized, I don't want to be in this place, I don't want to be around horrible greedy people doing their X-mas shopping, it was vile. I realized taht I want to be somewhere funky and hip, like the laundromat/coffeehouse. I don't want to work at a horrible company, like the movie studio, surrounded by greedy people. I think I do want to do massage for a living, I don't want to be in a normal world, surrounded by boring people. I only want to do things that interest me, like write.

I was thinking about my writing. And ... I realized something. I sort of write ... in a rush. I write, because I'm dying to escape the horrible people at my work. But ... even though I write things that interest me, I don't write from my heart. I write from this place of ... writing what I think people will like.

I'm supposed to go to this stupid country club tomorrow, to have a lunch with my sister. And I don't want to go. I realized, I'm not that person, I'm not a country club guy. I'm a guy who works at a cheesy spa, maybe, who just lives a funky life.

Bloggin'

Time for me to change the name of this blog, I'm tired of it. I need something with a point of view that is ... my point of view.

I also want a new Mac.

My friend at work does these raps that are really cool. His name is Arek. I am kind of inspired by it, I'm going to direct his little music videos. I've never thought of directing before, but I'm really inspired by this kid's music. I don't know why. It makes me want to direct.

I guess I'm really inspired by this whole internet world we live in. I love that we have this great means to express ourselves.

In the coffeehouse just now, this woman went off on one of the workers. It sso rude to hear that, its so rude to hear people screaming in a coffeehouse. It shows how selfish a person is that they would come in here and disrupt everyone by shouting. You sort of prove you are wrong by being so selfish.

Enchanting

I loved the new movie "Enchanted," it is my new favorite movie, perhaps one of the best things I've ever seen since "Aliens."

Here are two clips:



Here is another:



I love that youtube already has clips of my two favorite songs in the movie.

Writing again

I'm suddenly interested in writing again, so much so that I want to quit my job at the studio and just write. I'll have to wait and see if that's feasible.

I went to Borders last night, and the girl working there was a little bitch. She stole five dollars from me. First off, they made me a horrible gingerbread latte, Im convinced it had sugar-free in it, because she had the sugar-free bottle next to her. Now, I didn't want to make a fuss, because I figured that they were nice girls at the counter, so I just went up and got another cup of coffee. Bitch has the nerve to take my ten dollar bill, and then tell me I gave her a five. I am never doing that again, I will never go to Borders Westwood again. Their service SUCKS.

haven't blogged in a while

It's Saturday morning, and I'm at the coffeehouse.

I haven't blogged in a while. I'm tried all the time, and i don't want to work anymore.

It's interesting, because I sit here at the coffeehouse and I think to myself, it seems like life is such a loop. We work and work and work, but it just consists of doing the same thing over and over and over.

What am I getting at, by doing stupid massage? It's just an endless sea of bodies, of people I never see again, and probably never want to see again. Life is so frickin' repetative. I don't want to repeat an endless loop, and never get anywhere.

I've been thinking about quitting my job, because I just don't want to do it anymore.

I guess my book interests me because its not a loop, its static. You write it once, and it sits there forever.

I'm tired of doing meaningless work. At my day job, I run around like an idiot worrying about stupid packages getting where they belong. I just don't want to do it anymore. What does it matter, if I get one envelope from point A to point B? The answer is, it doesn't. And the people at my job are totally bland. The strange part is, I just don't care anymore. I just ... I'll probably quit, though I won't like having no money. And I don't want to ever have credit card bills again.

I guess the loop does end in some respects. I paid off a credit card bill. I just never want to owe money again. That part of the loop is going to end for me.

I was looking at my landlord, who is older and owns properties. And he's rich, so what? I don't want to get to the end of my life, and find out that all I had was a big pile of money.

Everything in this life revolves around scrambling around. To get something. As my body decays, I rush in circles to grab money or ... I don't know what.

I play this game, World of Warcraft. And it's so fascinating, because you do this little silly quests, and level up. It constantly asks you to go to the next level. And you do get some interesting stuff, but ... what does any of it matter? Really, it's just the fun along the way that counts. And it's neat to walk around with really incredible armour.

I'm tired of feeling scared and abused by other people. I don't want that anymore.

I was thinking the other morning, about how I wanted to work for an hour before work, and force myself to do write. And then I just went ... forget it. What if I don't care? What if I just don't write. And then I thought about how I'm constantly thinking about leaving my job. And then I thought, "What if I don't?"

It's faking it, in a way. Sometimes, I feel like I live in fear, and I just don't believe that I can have a good job, or more importantly, succeed as a writer. But then another part of me thinks, what if I just did things I found to be rewarding, like massage and WOW and writing.

slow

I'm at the coffeehouse, and it's so slow here this morning. This guy at the counter is having a really hard time keeping up with all the crazies coming in, and I guess I am one of them.

I'm totally nervous about someone stealing my laundry now, it seems like that kind of place, where you have to watch your things. You'd think it would be better at six o'clock in the morning.

I worked yesterday at the spa, and ... I only did three massages. I passed one of my clients off to another therapist. It was a bad thing to do, but ... I was just kind of tired. And I'm not going to work there next week-end, which is probably a good thing.

I have my new apartment, which is great. I like it a lot. It's nice being there, I guess. But ... I'm sort of tired of the same old thing. The same old boring in my life. And I'm really tired of working at my same job I've had for years.

It's interesting, though. Because ... moving really was like a purge of so much crap. I don't want to say that it made me more confident, probably for the only reason that it sounds like a cliche, but .... I guess it is true. I really don't want to go to my stupid movie studio job anymore.

It's nice to come home to my apartment, though. I love it. It's so relaxing, and I love the fact that it's quiet on the week-end. Occasionally, I can heard some crack whore or a punk teenager walking my and making noise, but other than that, I don't hear much. It's kind of creepy in a way, but I guess I'll deal with it. I need to get some furniture too, because I can't stand not having a sofa.

I thought there were lots of drawers in the place, but there aren't ... well, there are lots of drawers, but they all have a strange size to them. They're all small, and it's annoying.

I guess Monday morning is the day all the crazies do their wash. The dryers are totally full.

Vile People

It's Labor Day, and bloody hot, like 100 degrees here in California. I went to the bookstore, two of them, and they were filled with people hogging the chairs. It was disgusting, there were two girls together, and they wouldn't share a table. Each had to hog their own, and then they go off to get food or something and leave just a book on one of the tables. I was going to throw all their stuff onto one table, but ... let them have it if it's that important.

Then there was an older couple at a long table .... and for some reason, I dont' like them, so I came home. I guess that's for the best.

Miss Potter

I saw this movie today off Netflix that I really liked, Miss Potter. It was about the life of Beatrix Potter, and boy, was she fascinating. It's so interesting how they really didn't want her to print these children's books, and how in a lot of ways, she was a sort of feminist. The movie was well done, a bit mediocre in some ways, probably due to the fact that it followed her life. It's hard to be true to someone and hit the three act formula. Then again, I really loved it so it must have been good, I mean, I want to buy the darn thing.

Jessica the hippo

I love this:

back at the coffeehouse

I'm at the coffeehouse, ready to work on my book. I'm thinking of starting to come here in the mornings again, mostly because I am not getting much work done at home. I am thinking that I need to clean up my apartment or feng shui the place, or something.

I've starting working on the week-end again, and it's going better than before. It's weird, because doing massage, is something you actually get better at, the more you do it. But I look at other people, who make tons of money, and I wonder. I guess the bottom line is, I would like to write, and I wish I could figure out a way to do that more, rather than invest my time in things that don't hold as much interest to me.

I need to really concentrate on the book. I'm tired of sort of going through my life and not doing the things I want to do, because of money.

I was looking at Leona Helmsley, or whatever her name is, and all I could think was ... what a horrid human being to give all her money to a dog and none to her family, with all those billions of dollars. And I'll bet they didn't even want it from her. The pig.

Anywhoo, it's strange, because I was thinking of picking up another shift at the spa, and ... maybe it is a good idea. I mean, if I was just working at the spa, I could ... I don't know, write more. And I'm not getting enough writing done.

Monday morning blah

It's Monday morning, and I'm at the coffeehouse. I'm really tired from working yesterday. Will I be perpetually tired if I start working at the spa full time?

I did a shift of four, but I will be doing five from now on. And for some reason, I am exhausted by the idea of working on the book. Which is not a good thing. Working on the weekends shouldn't take away from my novel. But I did make a lot of money at the spa.

Probably the way I eat is a factor. I eat too much garbage. After the spa, I went and had a huge, disgusting hamburger.

A girl at the spa once told me that the problem with doing massage was that it uses up the same creative energy as writing does. And it's kind of true. But I think another problem for me is that ... if I feel overwhelmed, I can't do something. And when I take away that week-end of working, I feel like I don't have enough time to write.

But then again, I am not writing now so ... I don't know.

i got an iphone

I got an Iphone. I'm ... well, like anything, you want something, and then when you get it, it's just another material possesion. However, it is really nice. I think it's like, the single greatest product I've ever seen. It does everything flawlessly. E-mail, internet, everything. I love it all.

dark rivers

I'm at the coffeehouse on Saturday morning. I'm going to the spa to work tomorrow. I'm actually excited about that again, mostly because I want to put myself into a position where I will feel more secure about leaving my job.

I was SOOOOO tired when I woke up this morning, I had a terrible night's sleep. Nothing too guide related, though.

I'm thinking of going to get the Iphone, but something tells me I shouldn't. Probably because I am going to snap and quit my job, and I won't need the extra 20 dollar a month bill. It's so stupid, how I spend money I don't have.

I have a great book I'm dying to read, and ... it's called "The Dark River." But I'm actually showing the strength of character to work on my book instead.

friday at the coffeehouse

It's Friday, and I'm at the coffeehouse. Dreading going in to work. I left my id at home, and now I have to go back and get it. Which will be okay, because I will be able to drop off my computer.

I need to do something at work. I need to talk to people about the situation. Or just leave.

I drink to stay awake

It's Thursday night, and I'm drinking a cappucino. I've started doing that again, which is ridiculous. But, there I go.

It's interesting, because I need to leave my job, big time. I'm going to have big problems if I don't, because my evil supervisor is, well, evil. And I guess I'm going to have to ...

I wonder if I will be able to do massage full time? I wonder if it will wear me out. It's interesting, because I see myself writing a lot, like, spending my whole days writing and writing. But, will that happen? Can I stand to write 10 hours a day? Or will I just stick myself into the same ... rut that I've always been in?

I really want to write. I'm bored with everything else. I can see myself writing constantly, and ... recovering from doing massage the rest of the time.

work smarter

So, I'm thinking about ... I'm thinking about the fact that I think all the time, and that ... I'm so obsessed with stupid shit that never gets me anywhere. Actually, I just think about ridiculous ... baloney all the time. I think about work, I think about how much I despise the people there.

Isn't that ... I don't know, the nature of my whole life? I remember defining my life by my situations, living at home and going to school. I remember hating the kids at school, and hating my parents. And now, I look at work, and my horrid boss, and it feels like the same thing. It feels like I just occupy myself with ridiculous bullshit, and don't concentrate on anything that could help me live a better life, like finishing my book.

I probably should have finished it by now, but ... I haven't. And I haven't, because ... I don't know why. Because I goof off all the time.

I was thinking to myself that in a way, my writing is like mental gymnastics. I spend all this time writing, over the years, and I have done nothing with it. Should I be in writing classes, perfecting my craft? Probably, though probably not. I guess on some level, I am terrified by the idea that I could be criticized. I really don't like that concept at all. But, that's okay too.

If I start working on the weekend again, which I totally need to do, I am going to force myself to go to the bookstore on either Thursday or Friday night. And, stinker that I am, I'm going to drop shifts every once in a while.

I'm also going to figure out a way to have zero debt. I HATE the debt thing. It is the worst poison you can possibly have in your life.

The rain in spain

Another day at the coffeehouse. I"m really tired, I guess emotionally. It's hard to watch my supervisor at work, doing nothing.

It's interesting to me, though, that I don't get any writing done. Well, very little. Or one could say, not enough. My new solution is that I'm going to spend less time at work, and let everyone else cover everything. I'll probably leave that place, and soon, but ... I really want to have a bit of a nest egg.

Maybe I could come up with the idea of ... finishing the book before I leave. If I finish the book, then I can quit my job. Or I'll just quit.

wretchedness

I feel totally wretched today. I should be working on my book, and I have NO ENERGY whatsoever. I was wondering if it's something to do with my eating. Probably, my diet is horrible. I need to stop eating junk food.

I watch my supervisor at work, and he's so lazy. He sits there and does nothing. All day long.

I physically don't think I can go into that place anymore. It exhausts me, just thinking about it. I may have to just quit, and never go back. I mean, never go back at all.

I had a dream last night, I was a hopeful dream, about movie ideas. And in one part, I was directing a film I had written, and ... it was just nice, to feel something positive.

I think about negativity, and the concept of dwelling in it. And ... I have to admit, it doesn't feel good to dwell in despair. I was thinking also ... when I think back on my life, my college days with Tammy, it's interesting to me that in so many ways, I'm the same person.

I had this fortune cookie that said, something to the effect of, an idiot does the same thing over and over and expects different results. And in some ways, I have done that. I have gone to my stupid job, I've done the same things over and over and expected different results, when none have shown up.

superhero

It's weird, because ... I can't write this morning, and I keep thinking that I should be writing all the time. It's psychologically strange, to know that I'm going to start working on the weekend again, it makes me tired. I really want the money, though. I just want to go home and eat junk food, and not do anything.

But maybe ... it's just hard to live life, sometimes. It's like I don't want to do anything, because I feel really tired, and I know I'm not going to have time to rest.

I'm interested, in the way we drift into ... despair, would you call it? Drift into the end of our lives.

I really want to rest. I want to live a life, where I don't have to do anything anymore. Meaning, I don't want to work, I don't want to have debt. But mostly, I don't want to have to struggle with other people. Is that too much to ask for? I want to not have to work, to only do the work I want to do, because I enjoy it. I really want everything on my own terms. Is that the ultimate in selfish, or is it simply natural? Do we all deserve happiness? Is suffering just a part of human nature?

I'm interested in how we make compromises, and we slowly ... drift to the end of our lives. Or even when you look at our chi. We get older and we ... die. Do we only have a certain amount of energy available? Are we doomed, after that?

another tuesday in the coffeehouse

So, it's Tuesday, and I'm at the coffeehouse. I got here, I guess around 6:30, which is stupid, because ... why the hell can't I get here more early?

I keep thinking about quitting my job and just doing massage. And I might. But ... I really want to pay off my bills, and maybe buy more crap that I know I'm going to want, like a new computer. I'm really tired. By life. I actually don't think I can continue working at my stupid job. But it would be so much better, if I could save up some money, and ... well, and not have so much debt.

It would be cool if I could hang out til next year, and take my four weeks vacation from work. But then I think, why bother? It's just prolonging the inevitable. Why not just get it over with and quit.

Another part of me wants to just work and have money put aside. I mean, if I were to pay off all my bills, I could really have such a better life.

But, I also feel like ... I want to write my books. And I don't have the chance to do that, when I am working like an animal. It's weird, because I feel creative, lately. I keep getting new ideas. But, I also feel ... I feel like ... I probably just need to finish the books. And really, I will finish them, and I will have more than enough time to write, no matter what petty details I confront in the near future. I'll tell you one thing, universe, it is really great not to owe money. It's really great to have money, and not to have to worry about debt. That is one thing I would not like about doing massage, having to worry all the time about how much money I was going to make.

I tell myself it's nothing to just work on a saturday morning, and ... I guess to a certain degree that's true. But, I can also feel myself getting tired. I can feel myself, not wanting to work on the book. And really, that is a problem.

check this out

This is fantastic:

more writing

I'm still at the coffeehouse, this has been a marathon session for me. I've worked a lot. Or at least, I've sat here a lot. Which is a good thing. I've never been the sort of person who could sit in a coffeehouse for hours on end, but I need to do that, to get some work done.

I am working next weekend, which is also good. I think. I need the money, I really want to pay everything off. But I also need to do something about my current job.

Or maybe I don't? I need to keep working on the book, I need to keep working on the book, I need to keep working on the book. That has to be my mantra.

At least when I work on the weekend, I have time to put in a good session here first. If I get here early, I can even work three hours.

my new job

So, I go back to my new job over the weekend. And ... I pretty much think I'm going to quit working and just do the weekend gig, doing massage. It's weird, but ... damn, I hate my job. I think I will hate doing massage after a while, but ... maybe not. Maybe I will just have more time to write. And the good thing about the spa is ... I'm not really sure what the good thing is.

I was writing in my journal, the one I have to write in when I go to the bookstore, since they don't have Wifi, but ... I was writing in it, and I was writing about yesterday, how I had a kind of epiphany at the spa. I was sitting there, and ... I just thought about why I stay at one point in my life. I think it was my brain age game that said that my prefrontal cortex or whatever it is called isn't activated when you have habits, like biting your nails or such. Which would be be ripping out my eyebrows.

But it was so strange, because my mind seemed to be totally activated when I was at the spa, and I just thought about all those silly thoughts that go around and around in ones head.

What I will have to do is work all day shifts, when I work. If I pulled all day-ers on Saturday and Sunday, I could make ... well, enough to get by. I could potentially do ... well, earn half of the money I would need to survive.

When I break it down, working at the spa just isn't enough money to survive. And the strange thing is, working there on the side takes my time away from writing. So ... where does that leave me? It leaves me wandering around in a loop. A loop that sucks. But, I am glad that I have options, so I can walk away from my job if I need to do so.

If I worked all day saturday and all day sunday, I could then work two full days during the week, and I would have enough money to survive. Actually, I could work all day saturday and all day sunday, and then work three days during the week, and I would have enough money to survive.

That sucks. My book is my only real hope to survive.

friday

It's is friday, and ... I'm at the coffeehouse. I got up ... not that early today, I woke once at 2 in the morning, or something, and fell back asleep. I think I didn't wake up again until after five. Somehow, I decided that it would be a good idea to jog. I ran for like, half a block, and almost collapsed.

It's interesting, because I came home last night. I had wanted to go to the coffeehouse, but events conspired against me. So, I went home and ate, I emptied my refrigerator, and defrosted it. It totally made me want to clean my house out, just clear everything up.

I've been thinking about drama lately, and how my life revolves about me thinking and thinking and thinking about stupid stuff. And how little I really write. Like last night, I went home, and I didn't really write at all. I think I wrote for like, less than an hour. And now it's morning, and I ... I'm avoiding writing again. But I think if I put in any time in the morning, it's a good thing.

It's interesting to me, because I feel like I am going to start writing even more than I do. I could see myself just totally writing all the time.

yester-daze

I hung out with my family yesterday, mostly my nephew. I went home, and felt disgusted with myself. I ate way too much sugar, and crap. And we went and saw Transformers.

In a lot of ways, it was the greatest movie ever. The images of big killer robots were cool. But overall, the plot was so bloody stupid. It's really sad to me, that Hollywood can't create a story that is worthwhile. It's also disheartening and sad, that people lap up this garbage so quickly.

I'm really tired of everything that I see around me. I'm bored by this society, this world. I'm tired, I just feel so tired by all of it. I'm starting to feel like I don't want to come to the coffeehouse anymore. I'm sort of wishing I had never signed up for a shift at the spa either. I just want to get to the weekend relax.

I feel like I'm feeling more. Like ... I would always walk around and feel a certain constricted energy around my chest. But I feel different. I don't feel all that fearful energy.

4th of July

It's Wednesday, and I'm at the coffeehouse. I've been pretty gbood about showing up here and writing, but I'm almost burning out on it all. I'm feeling pretty burned out on everything, I dont want to work anymore, I don't ...

I don't know if I can say I don't want to write. I actually feel more interested in writing than ever. Because ... I feel more centered in a way. I was thinking last night about worry, and it's just something that keeps you from doing the things you really want to do in life. It's not necessarily a mind-blowing concept, but ... it felt like it last night.

I love blogger, because you can save your posts before posting them, and just ... post them later.

OOOH, I should include Donna, the Runaway Bride, from Dr. Who. Here is the beginning of an episode I watched last night.



The clip I watched last night got suspended. I watched the whole episode. It was fantastic.

I love this girl, Catherine Tate. She is a total star. She has this way of playing a sort of screwball comedy character, a woman who is abrasive, yet lovable. I have never watched Dr. Who, but I am going to watch next season, just to see her.

gotta move on

It's Tuesday morning, and I'm sort of excited about having a day off tomorrow. I feel this sort of horrible, desperate ... exhaustion. I don't want to work anymore, I just want to write and work on my novel. But the realities of life are that I need to earn money.

I feeel a sense of relief, when I center. When I forget about all my fears, and just relax.

My sister told me I was depressed, and it's true. I've realized something, and it's that I'm stuck in my life. It doesn't really move forward. I had these dreams, about Kevin Whxxeeler, who was one of my childhood friends. And I sort of look back, And I see that my inability to move forward, or not inability, but the simple fact that I don't ... it relates to my childhood. When I was younger, I would wait to get older, so that my life would change.

I just ordered my sister a gift off the internet, it is SOOOO much more convenient than old technology, of suffering and having to go to the store.

Anyhoo, I got a lot done yesterday, and I think I am going to go to the store tonight and ... the bookstore, and hang out. Maybe eat a gross sandwich there, or go get some sushi. For some reason, I am spending money madly this week.

spa

It's Monday morning, and I'm going back to work. I'm really tired of working. I'm worn out from it. I'm worn out from doing everything in my office.

I was looking at these pictures of Paris Hilton in Hawaii, and ... geez, I just really want to go there. I want to get away from all this.

I'm going back to the spa this Saturday, and I don't even know if I can do it. I don't even know if I can spend one day working on people. But then again, I think, I'm not going to really be doing that much massage. I'm going to be mostly writing.

Is it true that I am happy working a lot? If so, will I be wanting to do a lot of massage?

I just feel kind of emotionally spent from working. From everything. I don't know how to describe it. I'm sort of bloody bored with it all. I just want to go away somewhere. I want to just rest, and not work.

Maybe I should just quit, and never go back. That is the real problem. I am completely bored with what I am doing. It just bores the shit out of me, to have to go to that place and work. In fact, I think I might call in sick. In fact, that is a really wonderful idea. I think I am going to call in sick and take the day off. And work on my book. And do nothing. Maybe try to go get my Iphone.

Of course, I don't really want an Iphone anymore, or at least ... It all seems so petty and materialistic.

suffering for art

It's Sunday, and I'm at Rumor Mill. It is incredibly hot in here, and there is a new artist, hanging her artwork.

I got almost no writing done yesterday. It was strange, I sort of re-read old pages, but didn't get into editing any further. And I feel like I'm not getting much done today, either. Maybe because I really want my Iphone.

I went to Barnes and Noble last night, to use my new AT&T wifi, and it was absolutely vile. It was so crowded, from the new theatres. And there were noisy people in the coffeehouse. I think I am going to have to go there during the week. I weill leave Borders for the weekend. I finally left Barnes and Noble, after sitting there for an hour, because a noisy older couple were sitting next to me.

But other than that ...

Oh yeah, the guide energy is getting weird. I'm feeling VERY intuitive. As in, it feels like something is finally happening. For so many months, years, I've been going, "Why is this happening?" And more importantly, I've been saying to myself, nothing is happening. But then I realized, it sort of is. And I've been walking around feeling very intuitive. I felt like I couldn't be around anyone, like I was picking up on them too much.

Iphone Saturday

It's Saturday, and I'm at the coffeehouse, as usual. I'm thinking of going ... no, I'm definitely going to go get my Iphone today.

I should wait for ... whatever reason, but screw it. I want the darn thing now, and I'm going to get it now. In fact, I think I ... I don't know, I want so much. There are so many toys and things that I want, like a new Mac laptop and desktop.

But those are all toys, I want. And really ... are they that important?

The more I think about it, the more I want to devote my life to making movies. Because, that is what I really want to do, devote my life to making movies. And I keep thinking to myself, what is the point? What is the point of living half a life?

Is that what Dawnea did? Did she run away, and just give up on being a psychic? Was that the right thing for her to do? Because, this world needs a lot of help.

When I think back on her, I think to myself taht she gave up on her mission. I totally feel like she should have been out there, on a concert stage, doing her "evenings," her experience with Riding the Dragon, or whatever she called it.

I feel myself growing older in subtle ways, and ... falling behind on technology. I'm tired of being in this energy of being stuck. And I really want to ... kind of investigate the computer more, and work on my book, on getting myself up on the web.

I wrote some last night, and it was fun, but it amazed me how quickly I fell asleep, as soon as I worked on editing the book.

There is an older man in here, and he keeps insisting on speaking Mandarin Chinese to the girl who works behind the counter, even though she is Asian, she doesn't understand the language. And it's really annoying, that he's so insistent.

When I think about the sort of ... way that my life is stuck, I think of my book, and the girl in it, the one set in England that I want to write. And I realize, that in some ways, it is like her life. The way she was stuck in this subservient position and how she just sort of faded away. It's really easy to just fade away, and in some ways, I feel like that's what I'm doing.

But darn, I do like working on my book.

Iphony

I'm totally getting the Iphone. I have figured out that I can use it at Barnes and Noble stores, if I upgrade my internet service with AT&T, for only two more dollars a month. I would totally use the ihpne for intenet there, then again, I can use my computer now.

I feel like I want to buy the things I want in life, and go on the trips I want to go on, do everything I want to do.

I went to Barnes and Noble last night, because I wanted to get moving on my ... I just wanted to do something that would make me feel good about myself. And I got a little work done.

I think I'm gonna ... I know I'm going to start working at the spa again. And I am definitely going to finish the book. I want to start making movies. I want to start doing something better with my life.

Thursday Morning

It's Thursday, and I'm at the coffeehouse. I got here really late this morning, and I've been doing nothing, skimming the internet and watching videos. I got here really late today.

I feel like I'm going to quit, even though it would be nice to not have to do that. I think I'm going to just quit, and go do massage. I mean, I hate the idea of not having a big savings account and such. But I'm realizing something ... I don't have any energy left to write. It's exhausting to have to go to that wretched mailroom and do everything.

It's tiime to leave. I really hate it there, and I"m just exhausted.

I just saw this movie trailer, for something called, "Margot at the Wedding." And it looked really interesting. It really makes me want to make movies, all of a sudden. And I realize, I'm not living that passion. And even though I'm old now, I'm not dead. It's not too late.

I feel like I'm going to exhale. I feel like I have a breath I've been holding for a really long time, and I'm about to let it go.

Geez

It's Wednesday, and I feel horrible. I just don't want to go to my work for some reason. I was totally thinking of quitting. Meaning, just not going back.

I either should start working again on the weekends, or just commit to staying, and devoting my time to the novel. Of course, I'm here now and I'm getting distracted again, but that's okay.

I should probably just break down and get the darn Iphone. Maybe it would help me to blog on the road. Maybe it would help, because I would have an Ipod to listen to music.

My sister told me I was depressed, and I realize it's true. My job depresses me, and it robs me of motivation. Maybe that's why I go home and I just want to pass out and sleep.

I don't want to go to work

I should start to call this the "I hate my job" blog.

I have to go back to work today, and I don't want to do it. I don't want to work anymore, at all. I don't ever want to go back to that place.

But then again, I don't want to work at the Mini Day Spa. I would hate to start doing massage, and then realize I don't want to turn that into another job that I hate.

I guess ... maybe I will stay at my job, and just continue to work on the book. Of course, I get here at 7 in the morning, and ... i start looking at the internet, and I get nothing done. But I worked a lot on the book over the weekend.

I want to get away from it all, and go on a vacation. I would love to go to Paris. Hell, I would love to start working on a new novel, I'm so flipping sick of the one I'm writing. I need to finish it, but its so much work. I want to just rest and do nothing. I feel really exhausted.

I guess I'm bored and depressed. I don't want to work anymore, I don't want to go back to work at all, ever. I want to kick back and relax.

It's weird, too, because I have the guides, and yet ... they don't really do anything. They seem to do some energy work, but ... nothing happens. I guess I shouldn't bitch, though, because maybe the purpose is that they are helping me with my writing. If that's the case, then it would be stupid for me to complain.

homeward bound

I came home from the bookstore early tonight. I enjoyed writing there, but ... I've done a lot or writing this week-end. And I feel jumpy from drinking my cappuccino. There was some dude there, bragging about writing a movie and working on some treatment. He bugged me, as did these two girls who were studying, but more talking. I hate that, when little girls jabber away in a coffeehouse. as if no one is around.

And they were doing inventory that night, and had this special team come in. They were all African-American. I thought, "How screwed up is that?" Everyone coming in to work the night shift is black. That is so typical.

The people were really bugging me there tonight, I don't know why. And I have never felt this much absolute dread at the possibility of going back to work. I probably will quit, just so that I never have to go back to that placea gain. Then again, at least it will motivate me to continue writing, because I'm so frickin' bored.

still working away

It's still Sunday, still in the morning. And I'm still sitting in the coffeehouse. I've been here since 6:30, I think is when I got here. But I haven't really worked for three hours. I spent some time goofing around, looking at the internet. In fact, I've spent a lot of time looking at the internet, I usually do.

I might sit here for a while longer. Like, another hour. And then go home. I should go get more massage supplies, but I don't wanna. I should go to Target, but I don't wanna.

I guess I'm gonna keep writing.

sundaze

I'm at the coffeehouse, Rumor Mill. There is a creepy woman who comes in. Or I should say, she's not creepy, and doesn't seem creepy. But there is some vibe to this woman that I don't like. She seems really mean, like one of those women who come into the spa, who make your life miserable. She makes my skin crawl.

So I'm here early in the morning, and I'm working. I got here at 7:30 in the morning. 6:30. And I was the first one here, there was plenty of parking space in front of the building. The shop.

Before I came here today, I did my little Brain Age game, on my Nintendo DS. I did terrible, maybe because it was so early in the morning, but I am absolutely in love with it. The one thing I hate, is how they make you drawn things from memory. I hate drawing. But I am thinking about working on that too, to get my brain moving. It's really interesting, how the game gives you these exercises to activate your brain. I thought it would be good to play it before I got here to write.

I read a book at the bookstore, entirely, the whole thing while I was there. I love the fact that I didn't have to pay for the book. But, ... I'm actually getting interesting in reading again. I can't wait for Harry Potter, and the second John Twelve Hawks book is coming out.

This weekend has gone by so quickly. I can't believe all my vacation time is over. And yet, I still have so much time left. Maybe I shouldn't start working on the weekends again. Then again, I have so much time left. I could take a whole month off from work.

I will probably quit. I want to make more money. And I started to watch the TV show Medium, and I thought it was interesting. It reminded me of myself in some ways. I thought it was really interesting that she was kind of a screw up. Or, she couldn't find her place in the world, and kept thinking God was screwing with her.

That's how I feel sometimes. I can't figure out why I should be working, when I'm "meant" to write. But that's what I liked about the show, because I feel like the universse does have a plan for me, and that I just can't always see it. And I felt like saying to her, "Honey, there is a plan for you, don't be stupid." Of course, it's a TV show, and she figures it all out.

The guides were around last night, and I got a lot of energy off it. But ... it's so confusing, because I just go, "Shouldn't they be talking to me or something, like the 'Medium' girl?" But I'm just going to go with it. Also, it's really hard for my mind to not wander.

I jogged too, because I don't want to be this 40 year-old guy who dies of a heart attack.

I'm already kind of tired. It's funny, too, because I don't really feel like writing much. I might just sit here and read. But then again, I don't want to be pissed off on Monday, because I didn't get any writing done.

I loathe Angelina Jolie

I really can't stand Angelina Jolie. She's an adulteror. Why doesn't anyone remember what she and Brad Pitt did to Jennifer Aniston?

If they are such wonderful people, why couldn't they let that poor woman get out of her marriage with dignity? Couldn't they have hidden their affair for a few months, and allowed her to get a divorce? Forever, from now on, people will remember her as the woman who isn't as hot as Angelina Jolie. And hasn't her movie career been hurt by the very public way Brad Pitt dumped her?

And have you ever heard Angelina say that she's sorry? Have you ever heard her say that what they did to Jennifer Aniston is wrong? She's such a humanitarian, but she can't just admit to the world that they did the wrong thing.

I do think that her humanitarian work is a good thing, and it starts to make me like her again. But I just don't want to hear about this woman anymore. She's so overpublicized. And I HATE all those stupid tattoos.

another boring saturday

It's Saturday, and I'm at the coffeehouse, as always, as I am every day. I got here REALLY late, like at 6:45. But it's okay, because ... I've gotten a lot of work done this week-end. Well, the week-end just started, and I've had three days off. Though, it still surprises me, how little I get done overall. Well, I should be happy if I do anything. Everything is progress.

And it is, in a way. Because I was at the bookstore last night, and I'm very happy I get to go there again tonight. But I was there last night, and I read the rest of "Some Day I Will Be Invincible." And ... it was fun to read the book for free at the bookstore. But ... I was working on my book, and I just felt something.

I notice the way that blocks stop me. Meaning, I should have always known, because it's obvious that a block will stop you. But ... for example, I guess I haven't let my blocks stop me with the novel, because I keep writing it. And it surprises me, because ... I think I know it all, but I don't. Writing is like a journey, that surprises you. And the more I write the book, the more I realize that there are parts to it that I ... didn't realize where there. Like, suddenly, the relationship between the "heroine" and her boyfriend has become more interesting to me.

And I realize something else. I realize that ... this is something I wanted to write about. I notice that I think I don't want to write, but once I start forcing myself to do it, I see that I like doing it. And that I can put a lot more hours into it than I realized.

I'm also going to make crock pot soup today.

superhero

I'm at the coffeehouse, sitting around. Getting ready to work. I need to work on my novel, but ... I'm feeling pretty lazy.

I went to visit my nephew yesterday, and I feel so gross now. Actually, I felt gross yesterday. All I did was eat way too much, and ... play videogames and watch movies. I can see how it just doesn't stimulate the brain. I feel really gross.

I should go back to work on the week-ends, but I really don't want to do that. I never want to do massage again. And I do want to write, I really do. I have the next three days to force myself to write, so maybe I will do that. Actually, I probably will go back to work on the week-ends, I don't know.

vacation updates

Day two of my vacation from work, and I'm sitting in the coffeehouse.

I got here really early in the morning, and ... I've gotten nothing done, almost an hour after getting here. It's 6:49. But, I am going to hang with my family today, so I won't be able to write today. But that's okay. It's funny, because when you write ... it's lik eyou get sick of it. But I guess that is why it's good I'm hanging with my family today. So I can distract myself.

I'm really bored with my life. I need to move on, and do something else. I need to go on a vacation, or ... do something. But I also think that it's a matter of focus, and not getting distracted.

iphone 'n stuff

I really want to get an IPhone. I want to be able to do this on the road, connect to my e-mail and internet, blog. I think that's what is really exciting about it, to be able to do whatever you want anywhere. To connect to the Internet anywhere, that is so cool.

It's eight o'clock now, and I'm thinking of going to Costco next. I want to stock up on essentials, and I will have to ... I don't know, stock up in case I don't have a job. I also want a new Imac, but ... I don't knwo if that is going to happen any time soon.

It's nice in the coffeehouse today. I feel like I'm getting a lot done, since I got here at six in the morning. I did so much this morning, I got up really early, like at four thirty, and I jogged. I got here right at six, and I looked at the internet. And blogged. And I'm still looking at the internet, and blogging. But I got through the fifth chapter of my book, and I will be starting to work on the sixth. I will have five days to work on the sixth, which is, like, 300 pages long. I think I might get through ... well, it seems like I do about 10 pages in a week, it takes me a long time to edit. And I still need to write the end. But, I might have more time, since work is so awful I will have to quit.

I want to go home and sleep today, I'm so tired. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. I also want to buy some new videogames for my DS. I want to get a Wii, and maybe a PS3. I would also like to get a new TV.

I think I might clean up my house and do some laundry, while I have time off. I definitely would like to get rid of some junk from my home. I will say this too, the nice thing about going to sleep early and getting up early is that I have so much time during the day. I feel like I have done so much already. And I don't have to feel depressed for not writing anything.

age of love

Here is a video clip of age of love:

vacation, all I've ever wanted

It's Wednesday, and I'm at the Rumor Mill, starting my mornng really early.

I'm on vacation from work today, because I took three days off. I am so sick of that place.

I sort of just don't want to go back. Like, at all. I'm thinking of ...

Well, I'm going to start working at the spa again. I need the extra money, and I would like to have more savings, so that I can actually afford to quit. I might not resign from my work just yet. Then again, I probably should. It's vile there. I think I should probably work on the week-ends for a while, so that I can actually have some savings, and not have to worry. Then again, if I quit, I could work on the books some more. It's hard to understand what I should do, but I feel like I will figure it all out.

It's funny too, because now that I have a moment or two to write, I don't want to do it. I just want to sit around and do nothing. But I am going to force myself to work.

Yesterday, I did the same stupid thing I always do, I drank and energy drink, and had a cappucino. And I was up kind of late, and slept poorly. And I thought I would meditate with the guides, but I got nothing, energetically. It was one of those evenings where almost nothing happened. Weird.

I also watched a show called "Age of Love," about this young tennis stud, who gets a choice of dating a group of 20 year-old models, or a group of 40 year-old models. It was really interesting. I'm actually hoping he goes for the older woman. But we'll see.

no night

Here is a great video on You Tube, of a british movie called "No Night Is Long Enough."

saturday morning part something

Myy blog is so boring, I never change my titles even.

But that's okay, I enjoy writing little notes on it. I enjoy my updates. And I enjoy being at the coffeehouse, wriring. At least it forces me to work on the book, to get something done. I feel like I'm going to do a lot today, or at least I hope I do. But I also feel like I'm getting somewhere with my writing, that I'm learning to focus on what's important to me.

And I actually feel good about my work ... no, I hate it, and I'm going to leave. Actually, it's interesting, because I feel like I don't even want to be at that place. It's become a feeling.

Friday

It's Friday, and I'm at the coffeehouse, in the morning, and I have to go to work, but ... I never want to go there again.

It's ... interesting, though. I got into a fight with my supervisor yesterday. But ... it made me realize how selish the people around me are. And it's interesting, because ... I feel different about my work. I kind of don't care what happens there, because ... it just doesn't matter. I guess what I need to do is work really hard on the book.

I feel good in a way, because ... I don't really care about my job. But I do care about my finances.

I kind of feel like I'm going to end up leaving. Sooner, rather than later. I was even thinking about leaving today, but ... I think what I really need to do is just work a lot on the book.

Big Wednesday

It's wednesday, and I am at the coffeehouse, as always. I'm supposed to have lunch with my friend at work, but I don't even want to go to work.

I don't ever want to go back.

I am really tired today. I get so sleepy, when I am supposed to be working on my book. I should drink more coffee, but it only makes me jumpy.

I worked a bit on my book last night, and ... I went to get a cappucino after work, and a cookie. And I fell asleep, wearing my pajamas, which I was smart enough to put on before I went to sleep. And my nephew called me, but I drifted off.

I can't figure out why I have to work so hard at work, while the other two supervisors sit in their offices all day long. It makes me want to quit, but I don't have anything better to do, other than write. I totally have to figure out a way to suppoer myself through writitng.

my tuesday blog

It's Tuesday, and I'm at the coffeehouse. I'm pretty much always at the coffeehouse when I blog, because it has free wifi. Otherwise, I write in my journal.

I feel good when I'm working on the book. But it amazes me, how little time I have during the day to write. I went home last night and cooked a nice piece of steak. But, I immediately fell asleep afterwards. And I ... woke up from a fantastic nights sleep.

I had a weird dream, where the kids from High School Musical were at an amusement park. It was the sequel to the movie, but they were in this sort of disaster movie, where they were riding a log ride and had to jump off it, because it was breaking. And they were singing the same damn songs, which I thought was really unugual. But the blonde girl, and the kid with the big fro jumped off onto this cliff, and I was impressed by how gutsy the blonde girl was.

I'm enjoying writing the novel, yet, even when I get here, I have trouble focusing. My new thing is, I'm going to stay until I get in at least a good hour. In a way, I'm lucky I've found this place, because at least it forces me to get in that good hour of writing.

feelin' awful

Ugh, it's monday, and I feel so gross. I wrote a lot over the week-end, and slept too, but now I'm really tired for some reason. My sister would say it's depression. And she would be right.

It depresses me to go back to work. I don't want to do it. I am so sick of the mind numbing madness of my job. And I am sick of dealing with incredibly unintelligent people.

I am sick of being saddled with debt. I need to pay off everything. I need to get to a place where I can afford to live my life.

I just cancelled my world of warcraft account. I'm glad.

I really want to force myself to work on my novel. And, I do have to force myself. I get too distracted. But ...

I understand why authors become alcoholics. I just want to drink, to numb myself. And I should exercise, but I don't want to exercise at all. I don't even seem to care about my health. I just want to do something more interesting than what I do now.

sunday mornin'

It's Sunday, and I'm at the coffeehouse.

I find that when I write all week-end long, I tend to ... not want to write. I got so much done yesterday. I wrote in the morning at the coffeehouse, and then I went to Borders and wrote more there last night.

It's funny to me, that I can't get to the coffeehouse right when the open. As I sat in my car this mroning, I had this feeling that I should just wait and let my car warm up, but I didn't listen to it. I also felt like I should go see Hostel 2 today, but I don't really want to do it anymore. It looks crappy, and it wasn't the big hit that the critics seemed to think it would be.

Maybe I'll just go to the park and read. And I will have to face the eventuality that I may not be able to come to the coffeehouse every day and spend five dollars on bread and coffee.

I'm sitting here being distracted by the conversations going on in the coffeehouse, but that's okay too, I've gotten a lot done.

I seem to think that I'm going to be able to just sit and do nothing but write my books. Is that possible? I remember hearing one horror writer say that he would get up at four in the morning, and just write and write and write. That he doesn't even look at the internet, he just writes. And it's weird to me, that people could do that.

I've been having really intense fantasies lately. It kind of disturbs me, well, not disturbs me, but ... it's kiind of like, now that I've devoted myself more to writing, I feel like my imagination is becoming richer.

There is a guy here who has straight hair, sort of gelled back, and it looks really good.

I haven't been exercising, and I need to start worrying about my heart, but I don't. But I'm not going to worry about it. I'm not going to work on the week-end at the spa, I'm not going to work at the spa. In fact, I don't think I ever want to work at the spa again, except for the fact that I can't stand my job. But I am going to make writing my new job.

I might go see Hostel 2 this afternoon. I'm not sure. At least that way, I might not take a two hour nap. I really enjoy having my week-ends again, I don't even want to go visit my nephews or family. They are planning a father's day event, and ... I'm just so tired from working. I don't even want to go. But the good thing is, I can always come to the coffeehouse in the morning, and punish myself by staying later.

I also want to get to this place where I actually write when I am at home. I am going to slowly clean my apartment, so that it is actually a nice working space. And I ... might not buy a new computer, and might invest in some furniture for my apartment.

I really need to get the book going, so that I can work on my movies. Looking at Youtube and all the crap on the net, it makes me want to get my ass moving and ... make a movie.

saturday morning

It's Saturday morning, and I'm at the coffeehouse. I got a lot of work done so far. What I like about being here on the week-end is that I start it off on the right note.

I was thinking about going back to the spa, but now I think ... I really need to concentrate on my new business of writing and producing and advertising my books. I felt this moment this morning, where I just wanted to concentrate everything I have into writing, and making my book exactly what it should be. And it was interesting to me, because my horoscope said something about leisure time being important to me, which it is, of course. I feel like, I should just kick back and write, have a real week-end. Well, for the rest of my life.

I saw these other people talking about their businesses, and I should say, I felt a pang of jealousy, because I didn't think I had a business like theirs. But I realize, I do have a business, the writing. And even though it seems to crass to think of it as a business, you don't really need to do that. A good business is doing something you enjoy. And the writing part of it is what I enjoy. The rest of it is a business.

I saw these business cards, for the show, "John From Cincinnati," taked up on the wall of the coffeehouse. And I thought to myself, that is the kind of campaign I want to do. Business cards would be a great way to start out, because they are even cheaper than the postcards. And of course, the you tube thing. I am going to work on all those efforts, when I get done.

But I also feel like writing. I feel like really researching the grammar part of it, and teaching myself how to be a good editor. And I want to gifure out a way to do the audiobook.

friday again

It's Friday, and I'm stuck going to work, when I really don't want to go.

I am so bored. Part of me wants to go to work on the week-ends, just so I'll have some money. And I really want to pay off my debt.

If I could just pay off my debt, I would feel so much better about working. It wouldn't be so incredibly vile. But I'm bored, and ... God, I just can't stand the idea of going to work. I hate that place so much, and I can't seem to figure out why I can't get into something better. I know it's because I need to work on the book, but ... then again, I get nothing done.

I can't stand the thought of going back to work, and listening to bland people talk down to me. I can't stand the thought of working with people who are unmotivated. I hate them all.

I think the worst part is that it's all really boring.

I should just leave, I've talked about it forever. But I need money to survive. And I hate the idea of leaving one job without having another.

Hostility

It's Thursday, and I took the day off from work. I hate work. I really hate my job. What I hate most, is the disgusting way people talk to me. I hate the air of open condescention, how ... well, it just seems like people are struggling to get to a position ...

I sort of feel like my work is racist. I hate to say it, because I don't think it's a simple world just because you're lilly white and caucasian.

I guees I'm just coming to a place where I want to leave. But, it's not out of frustration, it's simply that I don't emotionally feel like I can stay. My heart was racing this morning, and I felt like it was because I don't pay attention to my heart, I don't listen to my own wants and needs. But I need to do that. It's important.

I spend my whole life reacting to others, and ... I feel like that is a part of my ... person that is changing. I'm tired of reacting and worrying about all the other people in the world, because they don't seem to worry about me.

I met an actor yesterday, who wrote a comic book. Which I bought, because I love the team that he is resurrecting. Well, I like teen superhero teams. But ... I just feel like I should be doing more. And, I don't want to be this person who reacts to others creativity. I want to be this person who expresses my own.

Which amazes me, that it's taking me so long to write this book. Shouldn't I be able to wrap this damn thing up? I get up early, to come here to the coffeehouse, and I get nothing done. I take days off, and I get nothing done. Then again, at least I am slowly moving foward with this darn thing.

apartment

I found a new apartment over the week-end, and I'm having trouble deciding if I want to move in or not. I actually don't want to move into it, but I feel like I'm crazy, because it's huge. It's a one bedroom, and the price is really great.

Maybe I do need the change. I at least wouldn't have to worry about a rent increase, which my current management company is going to continue to foist on me. And that rent increase is a problem.

Maybe the reality of the universe is that I am stuck in a rut. At least if I got out of my current apartment, I could ... I don't know.

The new apartment isn't in as nice of an area as I live in now. I love my apartment, but I am stuck in a rut. At least in the new apartment, i would have room to walk around. Maybe I would get more writing done.

I hate it, though. I really hate that apartment, I can't move there. The area is gross, it's dark at night, there is no streetlighting. I guess the reality is, in a lot of ways, I need to move there, because I can't afford the place I live in now. In some ways, I need to move, because I am not financially keeping up with the rest of the world. I guess I need to start working on the book, because it's my only hope.

another day, another dream

I'm at the coffeehouse right now. I was going to go to the Santa Monica Promenade, to get some massage oil, because I thought I would be going back to work. But now ... I'm not so sure.

I checked out this new apartment. It was huge, a one bedroom, at a pretty good price. And ... I couldn't stand it. The building was so out in the open, next to a shopping center, and I felt like I wouldn't feel safe there. It's frustrating in a way, because the place was at a pretty good price, but there was no washing facilities, no security to the building. It was just gross. And you lived right behind an office building, which is a horrible view.

I thought I would need to go back to work on the week-ends, to help pay for the move, but I really don't want to move now. Even with a rent increase, I would rather stay in my place. I also don't want to spend all the money I've been saving up. I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck, I want to change that aspect of my life.

I feel this weird, centered quality to my life. Weird in that ... I had said recently that I did not feel the guides that strongly lately, and I wondered why. I wondered what it meant, and of course, it meant that they would come back stronger. Which is what happened. In the past couple of nights, I have felt it really strongly, the guide presence.

As I sit here, I want to just close my eyes, and meditate. I can almost feel fear as this energy, that's on the surface of my aura. And I want to tap into this deeper energy, at my core. It's kind of neat.

I don't feel worried about my job or my apartment, I just want to work on doing what I want.

It's Thursday

It's Thursday, and I'm sick of work again. My co-worker made a totally racist comment to a co-worker, and I have to listen to them talk about it today. And then I come here, arrive late at the coffeehouse, and I don't feel like working. It just makes me not want to go to work, to see these jerks get away with anything, and my supervisor do nothing.

I saw this horrible movie, Eragon, last night. It was such a crappy version of the book. I don't know why they even bothered to make this film, they so hated the material apparently. And yesterday, I had to listen to my co-worker complain for an hour after work, because he hated being talked to that way.

I don't want to go back to working at the spa, I don't really want to work at all, but unfotunately ... it's like I can't continue at this horrible job anymore. I'm so tired of working my ass off, and getting nowhere. Of seeing other people with offices and promotions, and just getting .. nothing. Again, I think I need to work on the book, but ... it just gets so confusing sometimes. I feel like an idiot, racing around and going nowhere. Like now, I feel frustrated, and I don't want to write.

It gets depressing in a way, because there is nothing fun in the world. Like, where can I go and feel good about myself? Can I go to the bookstore, and sit and have fun? Nothing really amuses me anymore, I feel like an old man. I see young and attractive people running around, and ... I feel like I've just let my life slip by. I have no friends, and ... it just depresses me. I almost want to take a trip or something, but ... that would take money.

Memorial Day

It's Monday, Memorial Day, and I'm at the coffeehouse, getting a lot of work done. I got here at 6:30am, and somehow, when the place gets crowded, I want to leave. It's always around eight am.

It's fun to see the regulars in here, I don't know why. It almost makes me want to move to this area, but ... I have so much more stuff I can walk to where I live. I have a feeling real esate around here is going to climb in value.

I've been working on the book, and it amazes me, how much energy it takes. To continually read something over and over. It amazes me how quickly the week-end passes. It starts, and suddenly, it's over. And I come here in the morning and work, go to the store, take a nap, and suddenly the week-end is over. I almost wish I hadn't spent any time with my family. It would have given me another day to work. And I think about going back to work at the spa, and I don't really want to do it. I might not. I mean, the only reason to do it would be to meet new people.

I was working on my feet last night, and the massage actually worked. It really helped them, so that they did not feel tight this morning. And that is a nice thing, because ... it relieves some of my stress. Some of the things I have anxiety about, one of them.

Three Day Week-end

It's Saturday, and I'm on a three day week-end from work, for Memorial Day. And I feel pretty excited. I guess because it was a rought two weeks at work, covering for the supervisor, who is out. And the irony is, the place ran perfectly while he was away, and that I can do the job of two people effortlessly. It was also nice, because I got the place running in order.

I hadn't felt much of the guide energy lately, but I feel it today. Or the past couple of nights, I have. Though I don't know what it means. I should use it to heal my feet, which are getting more and more sore.

It's so nice, to be here in the coffeehouse on a Saturday morning, to have time to write. I don't even want to leave, so I won't It's nice, because I got here at 7 a.m., which was not a totally early start, but it worked. I was going to start working next week-end, but I think I'm going to wait.

new beginnings

It's Saturday morning, and I'm at the coffeehouse. Amers is going to come up for the day to hang, which is a good thing. I don't really feel like working on the book right now, so I won't.

I took an energy drink at work yesterday, and then I had a cappucino. And I couldn't sleep. I think I slept about four hours. I'm gonna have to go back home and take a nap.

Something good happened yesterday. My supervisor indicated that perhaps I would be promoted, that it was a possibility. And honestly, the idea of making more money is really fantastic. I really need to make more money, it would be fantastic, because then I could get out from this ... debt that I'm drowning under. I really would love to put myself in a position where I could save money for my retirement. It would be great if I could put together some money so that I can ... I don't know, get ahead in the world. I intend to be able to retire. I don't want to die penniless or destitute. And honestly, I am not going to die that way. I feel good, because I can learn about stocks and put money away. And get myself under control.

But, it's all a little ... small. And boring. I mean, is this what I really want to do with my life? Isn't life meant to be lived on a bigger scale? Isn't it supposed to be lived with passion?

I feel confident today. I woke up, and I didn't have that wretched heart attack feeling. I felt calm and relaxed.

The thing about making more money is, I could then work at the spa, and it would be such a great thing, because all of that would be extra money. But it would just be nice to get my life in order. I would love to be able to get some company stock, especially with the whole matching thing. But it would be nice to get my life in order, so that I earn more money than I spend. It would be nice to know that I am putting away as much as I possibly can, that I have a retirement fund, it would be nice to be able to buy things that I desire. To have a condo.

I want to get into the whole stock thing my dad was talking about, I really want to get a bunch of money together.

And then I think to myself, what would I do if I had all that? I'm sort of tired of struggling. But it seems interesting to me, the nature of this world, where we struggle and struggle and struggle. But also this pattern that people have, where ... it's almost like we're patterned to live in patterns, to put ourselves into loops, like the rats do when they run in a circle on their treadmill. It's almost like, we're conditioned to live in a state where we're in constant drama. I mean, again, what would my life be like if I was financially content? Would I just need to struggle more, to get a bigger house and better toys?

And all I really want to do is write. So why don't I just work on the book? Or better yet, maybe I will. I could see myself spending more time writing. I could see myself in a position where I would never have to work on the week-ends again. Another great thing about getting a promotion is that I wouldn't have to do payroll deductions anymore, I wouldn't have to worry so much about saving up money. Because I would put all that to a good cause, paying off debt and retiring.

I could see myself living in a place where I didn't have to worry anymore.

financial fortune

So, I went to the bookstore last night, and got nothing done on my book, unfortunately. But I bought Stock Investment for Dummies. And though I've never read one of the dummies books, I like it a lot. Mostly, because it's exactly what I wanted. It's just a simple and straightforward book on investing. I was going to buy Trading for Dummies, until I realized that you needed some basic information on stocks. And I don't have that.

But what is interesting to my about the book is that it gives you really great information. It sort of tells you not to invest in stocks, until you get your financial situation under control. For example, the basic idea is that you need to make more money than you spend, so that you have something to invest. And, it tells you to take stock of your financial situation, and see where your money is going.

I really like that. I want to get to the point where I am making all my credit card purchases on my American Express card, so that i am not incurring high interest rates. I want to get everything off my high interest credit card, before I start spending more money. I want to get to the point where I am spending money in my savings account, so that I don't use credit cards at all. I need to go back to the spa, but when I do, I can go from a place where I am financially secure. So that I am relaxed.

I keep thinking to myself that I need to work on the book. Of course, I'm sitting here not working on it. But, that's okay. Maybe I'll just work slowly. I'm dumb in a way, because I should be putting everything into my credit card, but ... that is okay too.

I kept thinking I would leave work, but that is a horrible idea, because it's just the same old thing, that I'm jumping into another situation where I will be broke. But it was so interesting in this book, because it said that you should have three to six months of your living expenses stashed away in savings, liquid, so that you can access it. And of course, I have none of that. But, it really is a good idea, because I should have that before I even think about leaving my job. Of course, there are other considerations, such as the fact that I am working my ass off so that other people can get ahead.

There are lots of good ideas in the world, and individually, they all make sense. But overall, it's hard to piece them all together. It's a great idea to finish the book, but I'm exhausted. It's hard to work on everything at once. It's a great idea to quit my job and work on the book, because it could make me rich. But, then again, there are no promises. It's a great idea ot pay off my one high interest credit card, but when I end the period of 0 percent interest, it will be a problem, because my other credit card will have a huge interest rate. I really need to pay that thing off.

What I would like to do is have so much money put away in savings, that I could just pay these things off whenever I felt like it.

I think sometimes, that I don't really have a problem at all. And that is because, I waste so much time. Even with working all the time and overtime and such, I still waste.

I think I am going to change my ways, though. I'm going to get the high interest card to 0, and then pay off the one at 0, because I will have to pay it all off my April, and that will be a problem if I don't have the money.

And all the while, i will be working on my book little by little.

tuesday mornings without morrie

It's Tuesday morning, and I'm at the coffeehouse. I got here kind of late, which makes me mad. But, that's okay. I went to sleep early, though, and I still couldn't get myself out of bed. And now that Im here, I'm not writing. But maybe that's okay, too. I guess it is what it is, me getting to work late.

I feel very relaxed right now, I don't know why. I guess it's that old centered feeling. But ... I was having panic attacks about work, but I don't feel that right now. I guess putting in 10 hours a week of overtime has it's benefits, chief of which is that I will actually have money in my account at the end of the week.

And, I potentially may have a new apartment. I'm not crazy about the parking situation, and I will probably have to leave my car at work. But that is okay. At least I have that option.

It's crazy to me, that I actually have the opportunity to have a one bedroom apartment. How sad, to be an adult and not even have my own bedroom. I'm hoping it's nice. The part that makes me mad, though, is that I will have to use all my savings for the deposit. But I just will have to work more on the week-ends, so that I have extra money.

still blogging away

I'm still at the coffeehouse. I am supposed to go to my sister's house later, which ... is fine. My nephew wants to play videogames, but I'm not gonna do it. I'm gonna go home and get myself to the bookstore tonight, to get more work done. Or I'll come back here. Maybe it's not too crowded on a Sunday night.

It amazes me, how I only get a limited amount of time to work and I waste it here, on the internet, or blogging. I sit at my little table, and my head starts to rock, I start falling asleep. But, I guess that's okay too. I do get work done, I can imagine a time when I actually will finish this book I am working on.

They are going to do a remake of the Bionic Woman next season, which I love. That was, like, the greatest television show ever.

And, I was thinking about this blog some more. I was thinking that I should come up with a point for it, such as writing little short stories or something. Maybe write out some of the little bitter episodes of my life. Some of the misadventures of myself in working as a loser in Hollywood.

I could tell the story about hwo I interviewed to work as a creative executive.

sundaze in the park with george

It's Sunday at the coffeehouse. I got here late, 7 am, but ... no one was here anyway. Its got kind of a weird vibe today. Some guy is on the computer, looking at porn. No one really cares, though.

I keep thinking about work and working and making money. I suppose I need to think about ... I need to think about making more money. I guess I need to finish the book.

Actually, this guy is looking at myspace, which is just filled with pictures of hootchie women.

Even if I don't get a new job, geez, I want to start saving money. I'm tired of having no cushion to fall back on. I want to have investments, so that I don't have to work if I don't want to work.

tired, bored, over it

It's ... I guess it's Wednesday. I'm at the coffeehouse. I should have jogged this morning, but I didn't. I did, however, get to the coffeehouse early this morning, at an acceptable time.

Some guy is wearing a fire department New York shirt. It's interesting, that people are still into that.

I'm so bored. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to do my job anymore. I'm so, so sick of it. I've got to move on in my life, but ... writing is the only thing that interests me. I think part of the problem is, I don't have a lot of time to write. It's interesting, I thought I would end up quitting my job because it was too much work, but I will end up leaving because it just got too bloody boring.

tuesday morning blues

It's Tuesday morning, and I'm at the coffeehouse. It's 6:40 in the morning, which is good, I got my ass here early. But I'm tired, I don't know why, I feel kind of depressed all of a sudden. Maybe I'm coming down from this energy drink I had last night, which made me feel wonderful.

I guess I need to get more work done on the book, which doesn't seem to happen.

I had a dream about a vampire too, which was kind of cool.

coffee house

I'm at the coffee house. I slept in late this morning, and I couldn't get here, which pissed me off. I slep a lot on Sunday, and I couldn't go to sleep. So I told myself I would come over here tonight. I also wanted to get a piece of pie, but I had tons of cupcakes at work (well, one, which is enough butter for the week). So ... I can't have apple pie with whip cream tonight. I'm also going to just sip at my coffee.

This place is so great at night, I like it better than Starbucks. It has a nice neighborhood feel. But it just feels cool, because it's really nice and open. Clean. Filled with people working on their creativity. So I'm glad I came here, and I'm glad I can work on my stuff. So I'm not gonna blog too much.

Work is really boring, too.

at the coffee house

I'm at the coffeehouse right now. It is so cool, because they have free wifi internet access.

I'm eating a really horrible bran muffin, which isn't so much horrible, as it is just something I don't want to eat.

I haven't worked on this blog in a log tiime, but thanks to the power of wireless internet access, I can. It becomes easier than working in a book.

And speaking of books, the coffeehouse has helped me work on mine. I've sort of been struggling with the concept of ... do I want to quit my job and work on the book all day long, or do I want to quit and work on the book all day long, and be a loser and do massage three days a week.

Part of me really just wants to pay off my bills. I want to live in a place where I don't owe any money. I want to just have all the money I earn go to me. Actually, it's all kind of boring. When I start to think about it, I feel like I am just creating excuses ... things to worry about. Distractions. In some ways, i feel like ... I am almost sabotaging myself by trying to quit my job, so that I am living in a place where I have no money. But then again, maybe I would earn more. Maybe if I quit, I could pay off a chunk of this wretched debt. And I would be happier.

I am pretty sure I will end up quitting, because I hate my job so much.

Happy Blogging

I told myself that I would be positive in this blog, not make it a rant about ... everything. I would like to create a blog that is positive, if only so that I attract positive things in my life.

I might start posting pictures of the things I would like to attract. Or maybe even look for people who can create a positive impact in the world, and highlight their activities.

After watching "The Secret," I did a positive meditation last night, and put their ... suggestions to use. And my day felt better. I worked well with a co-worker who can be cranky, I got some work done at work. It felt good.

I really cranked on the overtime last week, and boy, my paycheck was the biggest one I've ever gotten. Which is nice. But I think sometimes ... it's interesting, because I work so much, that when I come home sometimes, it's like ... I don't know what to do with myself.

But, I am interested in actively creating the life I live. I'm tired of living my life on auto-pilot, and I would like to really focus on what I want in life. But more than that ... I want to figure out what really fascinates me. Writing, certainly. But perhaps I need to go back to making movies.

We'll see.

the secret - law of attraction

Here is a cool video to watch, about the law of attraction:

Sick and tired

I'm sick today, a little bit, so I stayed home from work. And shockingly, I am getting nothing done. I washed a load of clothes. My friend is coming next week, so I should clean my house, but it might end up being a pig sty.

I was going to go buy a new pair of tennis shoes, but I really don't feel like it. I was going to go to the coffeehouse, but I don't feel like doing that either. I definitely feel like going to buy a cup of coffee though, that I will do.

I just keep looking at this rut I'm in, and how nothing changes. I really need to shake things up.

Blah

I feel blah right now. It's Monday, and I have the day off. I was going to visit my family, and at the last minute, they cancelled on me.

I notice things about myself, that I get stuck in one place in life. Well, in every way. I never clean up my apartment, which desperately needs it. Even when I have a day off, I just sort of sit here in my muck. Maybe meditate, which ... always stays in the same place. But still, I guess I feel hopeful.

What I've told myself lately is to be happy with gradual change, if I can find it. Also, I've been telling myself that what I need to do is write. Not worry about all this other stuff, focus on writing my stories and finishing them. I really want to finish writing my book. Actually, I'm very excited about writing it and finishing it. And even if I gradually inch toward doing it, at least I'm making some progress.

I really need to clean up my apartment, too. But that can wait.

I want to work at Google

I want to work at Google. I'm thinking of sending them a resume, which is a problem, because I don't have a resume.

I just checked my computer, and sure enough, I don't have a resume. But I guess it is as good a time as any to recreate one. Maybe make it better, so I might actually get a new job.

What is it about working at a place, rather than for yourself, that makes one ... feel more secure? The security, I suppose, of having a job and a weekly paycheck. For example, massage ... I keep thinking about doing massage full time, but I feel like I would get very tired after a while. Sadly, I know I would.

I should work on my novel some more, and actually, I'm sure that I will. I certainly am not going to five up on it. Mostly because, I feel this huge pull toward writing. They said in an article on Google as a company, that they like to hire people who have outside interests. So I guess it's good that I like to write. Or that it is my real goal in life.

But I don't know what I would do at a company like Google, I guess if you don't have programming training, you're not going to go truly far in the company. Then again, that is not thinking outside the box. Maybe there is something fantastic that I could do, that would take me far in life.

All I know is, I'm tried of just working as a grunt at a company that will never appreciate me, seemingly.

selfishness is a disease

I was thinking about the world in general, and global warming. And it seemed interesting to me, how we're tearing this world apart. And I look at all the people around me, the greedy people trying to get ahead. I see so many people who are just ... dying to get ahead and dying to be little executives and drive range rovers. And it's disgusting.

No wonder the world is being destroyed by humanity. We can't work together to save it, because we're all too busy trying to become millionaires.

Now, I love money, or at least, I enjoy having it. Actually, I think I would enjoy having it, if I had something other than debt. But I was thinking to myself ... maybe it's not a bad thing in some ways, that I haven't been so competetive and vicious to get ahead. Maybe it was for a reason. What do you really get, when you et ahead. What would happen, if I conquered the world and became filthy rich? Would I be happy?

I was going to do a seperate post for my thoughts on rushing around, but I decided that maybe they are related. Because I was rushing around this morning, thinking that I need to do this and that. I was thinking about the fact that I am going to work this afternoon, doing massage, and I was resenting it. I resented the fact that I am not rich, and that I have to work two jobs, and that I do not get to drive around and have fun today. I thought to myself that I have to at least go to Starbucks in the morning and write in my journal, so that I could feel like I was having some fun. And then ... I decided to just come home and blog.

I thought to myself ... just clean your house, and enjoy your day of massage. Do some laundry and clean your home. Because it's a mess. And enjoy your day of massage and embrace that you're doing it, because you are.

I thought to myself, I should just embrace the fact that I am a loser in Hollywood, because that is what I am. Or at least, embrace where I am and work from that, not just focus on ... whatever, distracting yourself from reality.