It's Thursday

It's Thursday, and I'm sick of work again. My co-worker made a totally racist comment to a co-worker, and I have to listen to them talk about it today. And then I come here, arrive late at the coffeehouse, and I don't feel like working. It just makes me not want to go to work, to see these jerks get away with anything, and my supervisor do nothing.

I saw this horrible movie, Eragon, last night. It was such a crappy version of the book. I don't know why they even bothered to make this film, they so hated the material apparently. And yesterday, I had to listen to my co-worker complain for an hour after work, because he hated being talked to that way.

I don't want to go back to working at the spa, I don't really want to work at all, but unfotunately ... it's like I can't continue at this horrible job anymore. I'm so tired of working my ass off, and getting nowhere. Of seeing other people with offices and promotions, and just getting .. nothing. Again, I think I need to work on the book, but ... it just gets so confusing sometimes. I feel like an idiot, racing around and going nowhere. Like now, I feel frustrated, and I don't want to write.

It gets depressing in a way, because there is nothing fun in the world. Like, where can I go and feel good about myself? Can I go to the bookstore, and sit and have fun? Nothing really amuses me anymore, I feel like an old man. I see young and attractive people running around, and ... I feel like I've just let my life slip by. I have no friends, and ... it just depresses me. I almost want to take a trip or something, but ... that would take money.

Memorial Day

It's Monday, Memorial Day, and I'm at the coffeehouse, getting a lot of work done. I got here at 6:30am, and somehow, when the place gets crowded, I want to leave. It's always around eight am.

It's fun to see the regulars in here, I don't know why. It almost makes me want to move to this area, but ... I have so much more stuff I can walk to where I live. I have a feeling real esate around here is going to climb in value.

I've been working on the book, and it amazes me, how much energy it takes. To continually read something over and over. It amazes me how quickly the week-end passes. It starts, and suddenly, it's over. And I come here in the morning and work, go to the store, take a nap, and suddenly the week-end is over. I almost wish I hadn't spent any time with my family. It would have given me another day to work. And I think about going back to work at the spa, and I don't really want to do it. I might not. I mean, the only reason to do it would be to meet new people.

I was working on my feet last night, and the massage actually worked. It really helped them, so that they did not feel tight this morning. And that is a nice thing, because ... it relieves some of my stress. Some of the things I have anxiety about, one of them.

Three Day Week-end

It's Saturday, and I'm on a three day week-end from work, for Memorial Day. And I feel pretty excited. I guess because it was a rought two weeks at work, covering for the supervisor, who is out. And the irony is, the place ran perfectly while he was away, and that I can do the job of two people effortlessly. It was also nice, because I got the place running in order.

I hadn't felt much of the guide energy lately, but I feel it today. Or the past couple of nights, I have. Though I don't know what it means. I should use it to heal my feet, which are getting more and more sore.

It's so nice, to be here in the coffeehouse on a Saturday morning, to have time to write. I don't even want to leave, so I won't It's nice, because I got here at 7 a.m., which was not a totally early start, but it worked. I was going to start working next week-end, but I think I'm going to wait.

new beginnings

It's Saturday morning, and I'm at the coffeehouse. Amers is going to come up for the day to hang, which is a good thing. I don't really feel like working on the book right now, so I won't.

I took an energy drink at work yesterday, and then I had a cappucino. And I couldn't sleep. I think I slept about four hours. I'm gonna have to go back home and take a nap.

Something good happened yesterday. My supervisor indicated that perhaps I would be promoted, that it was a possibility. And honestly, the idea of making more money is really fantastic. I really need to make more money, it would be fantastic, because then I could get out from this ... debt that I'm drowning under. I really would love to put myself in a position where I could save money for my retirement. It would be great if I could put together some money so that I can ... I don't know, get ahead in the world. I intend to be able to retire. I don't want to die penniless or destitute. And honestly, I am not going to die that way. I feel good, because I can learn about stocks and put money away. And get myself under control.

But, it's all a little ... small. And boring. I mean, is this what I really want to do with my life? Isn't life meant to be lived on a bigger scale? Isn't it supposed to be lived with passion?

I feel confident today. I woke up, and I didn't have that wretched heart attack feeling. I felt calm and relaxed.

The thing about making more money is, I could then work at the spa, and it would be such a great thing, because all of that would be extra money. But it would just be nice to get my life in order. I would love to be able to get some company stock, especially with the whole matching thing. But it would be nice to get my life in order, so that I earn more money than I spend. It would be nice to know that I am putting away as much as I possibly can, that I have a retirement fund, it would be nice to be able to buy things that I desire. To have a condo.

I want to get into the whole stock thing my dad was talking about, I really want to get a bunch of money together.

And then I think to myself, what would I do if I had all that? I'm sort of tired of struggling. But it seems interesting to me, the nature of this world, where we struggle and struggle and struggle. But also this pattern that people have, where ... it's almost like we're patterned to live in patterns, to put ourselves into loops, like the rats do when they run in a circle on their treadmill. It's almost like, we're conditioned to live in a state where we're in constant drama. I mean, again, what would my life be like if I was financially content? Would I just need to struggle more, to get a bigger house and better toys?

And all I really want to do is write. So why don't I just work on the book? Or better yet, maybe I will. I could see myself spending more time writing. I could see myself in a position where I would never have to work on the week-ends again. Another great thing about getting a promotion is that I wouldn't have to do payroll deductions anymore, I wouldn't have to worry so much about saving up money. Because I would put all that to a good cause, paying off debt and retiring.

I could see myself living in a place where I didn't have to worry anymore.

financial fortune

So, I went to the bookstore last night, and got nothing done on my book, unfortunately. But I bought Stock Investment for Dummies. And though I've never read one of the dummies books, I like it a lot. Mostly, because it's exactly what I wanted. It's just a simple and straightforward book on investing. I was going to buy Trading for Dummies, until I realized that you needed some basic information on stocks. And I don't have that.

But what is interesting to my about the book is that it gives you really great information. It sort of tells you not to invest in stocks, until you get your financial situation under control. For example, the basic idea is that you need to make more money than you spend, so that you have something to invest. And, it tells you to take stock of your financial situation, and see where your money is going.

I really like that. I want to get to the point where I am making all my credit card purchases on my American Express card, so that i am not incurring high interest rates. I want to get everything off my high interest credit card, before I start spending more money. I want to get to the point where I am spending money in my savings account, so that I don't use credit cards at all. I need to go back to the spa, but when I do, I can go from a place where I am financially secure. So that I am relaxed.

I keep thinking to myself that I need to work on the book. Of course, I'm sitting here not working on it. But, that's okay. Maybe I'll just work slowly. I'm dumb in a way, because I should be putting everything into my credit card, but ... that is okay too.

I kept thinking I would leave work, but that is a horrible idea, because it's just the same old thing, that I'm jumping into another situation where I will be broke. But it was so interesting in this book, because it said that you should have three to six months of your living expenses stashed away in savings, liquid, so that you can access it. And of course, I have none of that. But, it really is a good idea, because I should have that before I even think about leaving my job. Of course, there are other considerations, such as the fact that I am working my ass off so that other people can get ahead.

There are lots of good ideas in the world, and individually, they all make sense. But overall, it's hard to piece them all together. It's a great idea to finish the book, but I'm exhausted. It's hard to work on everything at once. It's a great idea to quit my job and work on the book, because it could make me rich. But, then again, there are no promises. It's a great idea ot pay off my one high interest credit card, but when I end the period of 0 percent interest, it will be a problem, because my other credit card will have a huge interest rate. I really need to pay that thing off.

What I would like to do is have so much money put away in savings, that I could just pay these things off whenever I felt like it.

I think sometimes, that I don't really have a problem at all. And that is because, I waste so much time. Even with working all the time and overtime and such, I still waste.

I think I am going to change my ways, though. I'm going to get the high interest card to 0, and then pay off the one at 0, because I will have to pay it all off my April, and that will be a problem if I don't have the money.

And all the while, i will be working on my book little by little.

tuesday mornings without morrie

It's Tuesday morning, and I'm at the coffeehouse. I got here kind of late, which makes me mad. But, that's okay. I went to sleep early, though, and I still couldn't get myself out of bed. And now that Im here, I'm not writing. But maybe that's okay, too. I guess it is what it is, me getting to work late.

I feel very relaxed right now, I don't know why. I guess it's that old centered feeling. But ... I was having panic attacks about work, but I don't feel that right now. I guess putting in 10 hours a week of overtime has it's benefits, chief of which is that I will actually have money in my account at the end of the week.

And, I potentially may have a new apartment. I'm not crazy about the parking situation, and I will probably have to leave my car at work. But that is okay. At least I have that option.

It's crazy to me, that I actually have the opportunity to have a one bedroom apartment. How sad, to be an adult and not even have my own bedroom. I'm hoping it's nice. The part that makes me mad, though, is that I will have to use all my savings for the deposit. But I just will have to work more on the week-ends, so that I have extra money.

still blogging away

I'm still at the coffeehouse. I am supposed to go to my sister's house later, which ... is fine. My nephew wants to play videogames, but I'm not gonna do it. I'm gonna go home and get myself to the bookstore tonight, to get more work done. Or I'll come back here. Maybe it's not too crowded on a Sunday night.

It amazes me, how I only get a limited amount of time to work and I waste it here, on the internet, or blogging. I sit at my little table, and my head starts to rock, I start falling asleep. But, I guess that's okay too. I do get work done, I can imagine a time when I actually will finish this book I am working on.

They are going to do a remake of the Bionic Woman next season, which I love. That was, like, the greatest television show ever.

And, I was thinking about this blog some more. I was thinking that I should come up with a point for it, such as writing little short stories or something. Maybe write out some of the little bitter episodes of my life. Some of the misadventures of myself in working as a loser in Hollywood.

I could tell the story about hwo I interviewed to work as a creative executive.

sundaze in the park with george

It's Sunday at the coffeehouse. I got here late, 7 am, but ... no one was here anyway. Its got kind of a weird vibe today. Some guy is on the computer, looking at porn. No one really cares, though.

I keep thinking about work and working and making money. I suppose I need to think about ... I need to think about making more money. I guess I need to finish the book.

Actually, this guy is looking at myspace, which is just filled with pictures of hootchie women.

Even if I don't get a new job, geez, I want to start saving money. I'm tired of having no cushion to fall back on. I want to have investments, so that I don't have to work if I don't want to work.

tired, bored, over it

It's ... I guess it's Wednesday. I'm at the coffeehouse. I should have jogged this morning, but I didn't. I did, however, get to the coffeehouse early this morning, at an acceptable time.

Some guy is wearing a fire department New York shirt. It's interesting, that people are still into that.

I'm so bored. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to do my job anymore. I'm so, so sick of it. I've got to move on in my life, but ... writing is the only thing that interests me. I think part of the problem is, I don't have a lot of time to write. It's interesting, I thought I would end up quitting my job because it was too much work, but I will end up leaving because it just got too bloody boring.

tuesday morning blues

It's Tuesday morning, and I'm at the coffeehouse. It's 6:40 in the morning, which is good, I got my ass here early. But I'm tired, I don't know why, I feel kind of depressed all of a sudden. Maybe I'm coming down from this energy drink I had last night, which made me feel wonderful.

I guess I need to get more work done on the book, which doesn't seem to happen.

I had a dream about a vampire too, which was kind of cool.

coffee house

I'm at the coffee house. I slept in late this morning, and I couldn't get here, which pissed me off. I slep a lot on Sunday, and I couldn't go to sleep. So I told myself I would come over here tonight. I also wanted to get a piece of pie, but I had tons of cupcakes at work (well, one, which is enough butter for the week). So ... I can't have apple pie with whip cream tonight. I'm also going to just sip at my coffee.

This place is so great at night, I like it better than Starbucks. It has a nice neighborhood feel. But it just feels cool, because it's really nice and open. Clean. Filled with people working on their creativity. So I'm glad I came here, and I'm glad I can work on my stuff. So I'm not gonna blog too much.

Work is really boring, too.

at the coffee house

I'm at the coffeehouse right now. It is so cool, because they have free wifi internet access.

I'm eating a really horrible bran muffin, which isn't so much horrible, as it is just something I don't want to eat.

I haven't worked on this blog in a log tiime, but thanks to the power of wireless internet access, I can. It becomes easier than working in a book.

And speaking of books, the coffeehouse has helped me work on mine. I've sort of been struggling with the concept of ... do I want to quit my job and work on the book all day long, or do I want to quit and work on the book all day long, and be a loser and do massage three days a week.

Part of me really just wants to pay off my bills. I want to live in a place where I don't owe any money. I want to just have all the money I earn go to me. Actually, it's all kind of boring. When I start to think about it, I feel like I am just creating excuses ... things to worry about. Distractions. In some ways, i feel like ... I am almost sabotaging myself by trying to quit my job, so that I am living in a place where I have no money. But then again, maybe I would earn more. Maybe if I quit, I could pay off a chunk of this wretched debt. And I would be happier.

I am pretty sure I will end up quitting, because I hate my job so much.