Iphone Saturday

It's Saturday, and I'm at the coffeehouse, as usual. I'm thinking of going ... no, I'm definitely going to go get my Iphone today.

I should wait for ... whatever reason, but screw it. I want the darn thing now, and I'm going to get it now. In fact, I think I ... I don't know, I want so much. There are so many toys and things that I want, like a new Mac laptop and desktop.

But those are all toys, I want. And really ... are they that important?

The more I think about it, the more I want to devote my life to making movies. Because, that is what I really want to do, devote my life to making movies. And I keep thinking to myself, what is the point? What is the point of living half a life?

Is that what Dawnea did? Did she run away, and just give up on being a psychic? Was that the right thing for her to do? Because, this world needs a lot of help.

When I think back on her, I think to myself taht she gave up on her mission. I totally feel like she should have been out there, on a concert stage, doing her "evenings," her experience with Riding the Dragon, or whatever she called it.

I feel myself growing older in subtle ways, and ... falling behind on technology. I'm tired of being in this energy of being stuck. And I really want to ... kind of investigate the computer more, and work on my book, on getting myself up on the web.

I wrote some last night, and it was fun, but it amazed me how quickly I fell asleep, as soon as I worked on editing the book.

There is an older man in here, and he keeps insisting on speaking Mandarin Chinese to the girl who works behind the counter, even though she is Asian, she doesn't understand the language. And it's really annoying, that he's so insistent.

When I think about the sort of ... way that my life is stuck, I think of my book, and the girl in it, the one set in England that I want to write. And I realize, that in some ways, it is like her life. The way she was stuck in this subservient position and how she just sort of faded away. It's really easy to just fade away, and in some ways, I feel like that's what I'm doing.

But darn, I do like working on my book.

Iphony

I'm totally getting the Iphone. I have figured out that I can use it at Barnes and Noble stores, if I upgrade my internet service with AT&T, for only two more dollars a month. I would totally use the ihpne for intenet there, then again, I can use my computer now.

I feel like I want to buy the things I want in life, and go on the trips I want to go on, do everything I want to do.

I went to Barnes and Noble last night, because I wanted to get moving on my ... I just wanted to do something that would make me feel good about myself. And I got a little work done.

I think I'm gonna ... I know I'm going to start working at the spa again. And I am definitely going to finish the book. I want to start making movies. I want to start doing something better with my life.

Thursday Morning

It's Thursday, and I'm at the coffeehouse. I got here really late this morning, and I've been doing nothing, skimming the internet and watching videos. I got here really late today.

I feel like I'm going to quit, even though it would be nice to not have to do that. I think I'm going to just quit, and go do massage. I mean, I hate the idea of not having a big savings account and such. But I'm realizing something ... I don't have any energy left to write. It's exhausting to have to go to that wretched mailroom and do everything.

It's tiime to leave. I really hate it there, and I"m just exhausted.

I just saw this movie trailer, for something called, "Margot at the Wedding." And it looked really interesting. It really makes me want to make movies, all of a sudden. And I realize, I'm not living that passion. And even though I'm old now, I'm not dead. It's not too late.

I feel like I'm going to exhale. I feel like I have a breath I've been holding for a really long time, and I'm about to let it go.

Geez

It's Wednesday, and I feel horrible. I just don't want to go to my work for some reason. I was totally thinking of quitting. Meaning, just not going back.

I either should start working again on the weekends, or just commit to staying, and devoting my time to the novel. Of course, I'm here now and I'm getting distracted again, but that's okay.

I should probably just break down and get the darn Iphone. Maybe it would help me to blog on the road. Maybe it would help, because I would have an Ipod to listen to music.

My sister told me I was depressed, and I realize it's true. My job depresses me, and it robs me of motivation. Maybe that's why I go home and I just want to pass out and sleep.

I don't want to go to work

I should start to call this the "I hate my job" blog.

I have to go back to work today, and I don't want to do it. I don't want to work anymore, at all. I don't ever want to go back to that place.

But then again, I don't want to work at the Mini Day Spa. I would hate to start doing massage, and then realize I don't want to turn that into another job that I hate.

I guess ... maybe I will stay at my job, and just continue to work on the book. Of course, I get here at 7 in the morning, and ... i start looking at the internet, and I get nothing done. But I worked a lot on the book over the weekend.

I want to get away from it all, and go on a vacation. I would love to go to Paris. Hell, I would love to start working on a new novel, I'm so flipping sick of the one I'm writing. I need to finish it, but its so much work. I want to just rest and do nothing. I feel really exhausted.

I guess I'm bored and depressed. I don't want to work anymore, I don't want to go back to work at all, ever. I want to kick back and relax.

It's weird, too, because I have the guides, and yet ... they don't really do anything. They seem to do some energy work, but ... nothing happens. I guess I shouldn't bitch, though, because maybe the purpose is that they are helping me with my writing. If that's the case, then it would be stupid for me to complain.

homeward bound

I came home from the bookstore early tonight. I enjoyed writing there, but ... I've done a lot or writing this week-end. And I feel jumpy from drinking my cappuccino. There was some dude there, bragging about writing a movie and working on some treatment. He bugged me, as did these two girls who were studying, but more talking. I hate that, when little girls jabber away in a coffeehouse. as if no one is around.

And they were doing inventory that night, and had this special team come in. They were all African-American. I thought, "How screwed up is that?" Everyone coming in to work the night shift is black. That is so typical.

The people were really bugging me there tonight, I don't know why. And I have never felt this much absolute dread at the possibility of going back to work. I probably will quit, just so that I never have to go back to that placea gain. Then again, at least it will motivate me to continue writing, because I'm so frickin' bored.

still working away

It's still Sunday, still in the morning. And I'm still sitting in the coffeehouse. I've been here since 6:30, I think is when I got here. But I haven't really worked for three hours. I spent some time goofing around, looking at the internet. In fact, I've spent a lot of time looking at the internet, I usually do.

I might sit here for a while longer. Like, another hour. And then go home. I should go get more massage supplies, but I don't wanna. I should go to Target, but I don't wanna.

I guess I'm gonna keep writing.