too many distractions

It's funny, because ... I went to work today, and I was almost thrilled to be there, even though I groused and complained. Yet, I come home tonight, and I have nothing to do. There are no internet sites I want to look at, no snotty comments I wish to trade on gawker.com. It all seems like distractions to me.

At work today, a woman made me very angry, not because of the things she did to me, though there are many in the past. She behaved inappropriately to my co-worker. She threatened to have him fired, which was ... it's the kind of thing that makes me very angry. But ... again, it feels like a distraction. Distracting me from what, the things i don't want to face in my life?

I've never wanted to conquer the world. It doesn't really interest me. But ... maybe the things I do want ... maybe I have show a kind of apathy toward going after my ... desires.

Maybe it's easier to sit in your room alone and be distracted than it is to write a novel. Maybe it's easier to chatter on gawker.com.

I think the Celestine Prophecy was right, that we are all trying to draw energy from the world. Even when I squawk away on gawker, I see myself, I don't know, trying to get attention, maybe? And it's funny, because I don't, really. No one really pays any attention to what I say. Maybe a little. But it's pointless.

One of their posts talked about how we were all wasting our time making comments, when we should be working on our own blogs. And really, there are a thousand blogs on the net. Why cares. We're all regurgitating the same youtube clips. Everyone is trying to get attention, a book deal, something. But I would simply prefer to express myself. I just want to say something that is real and true and unaffected. I guess I only need money to feel safe, but ... will that ever happen? I picture myself making millions of dollars and being an old man, with no one around me. Or having a staff of nurses who torment me, trying to kill me off to get my money. It's funny, because this world is so overwhelming. You wonder if there is any goodness in it. Any happiness in the way people are so cruel to one another.