new beginnings

It's Saturday morning, and I'm at the coffeehouse. Amers is going to come up for the day to hang, which is a good thing. I don't really feel like working on the book right now, so I won't.

I took an energy drink at work yesterday, and then I had a cappucino. And I couldn't sleep. I think I slept about four hours. I'm gonna have to go back home and take a nap.

Something good happened yesterday. My supervisor indicated that perhaps I would be promoted, that it was a possibility. And honestly, the idea of making more money is really fantastic. I really need to make more money, it would be fantastic, because then I could get out from this ... debt that I'm drowning under. I really would love to put myself in a position where I could save money for my retirement. It would be great if I could put together some money so that I can ... I don't know, get ahead in the world. I intend to be able to retire. I don't want to die penniless or destitute. And honestly, I am not going to die that way. I feel good, because I can learn about stocks and put money away. And get myself under control.

But, it's all a little ... small. And boring. I mean, is this what I really want to do with my life? Isn't life meant to be lived on a bigger scale? Isn't it supposed to be lived with passion?

I feel confident today. I woke up, and I didn't have that wretched heart attack feeling. I felt calm and relaxed.

The thing about making more money is, I could then work at the spa, and it would be such a great thing, because all of that would be extra money. But it would just be nice to get my life in order. I would love to be able to get some company stock, especially with the whole matching thing. But it would be nice to get my life in order, so that I earn more money than I spend. It would be nice to know that I am putting away as much as I possibly can, that I have a retirement fund, it would be nice to be able to buy things that I desire. To have a condo.

I want to get into the whole stock thing my dad was talking about, I really want to get a bunch of money together.

And then I think to myself, what would I do if I had all that? I'm sort of tired of struggling. But it seems interesting to me, the nature of this world, where we struggle and struggle and struggle. But also this pattern that people have, where ... it's almost like we're patterned to live in patterns, to put ourselves into loops, like the rats do when they run in a circle on their treadmill. It's almost like, we're conditioned to live in a state where we're in constant drama. I mean, again, what would my life be like if I was financially content? Would I just need to struggle more, to get a bigger house and better toys?

And all I really want to do is write. So why don't I just work on the book? Or better yet, maybe I will. I could see myself spending more time writing. I could see myself in a position where I would never have to work on the week-ends again. Another great thing about getting a promotion is that I wouldn't have to do payroll deductions anymore, I wouldn't have to worry so much about saving up money. Because I would put all that to a good cause, paying off debt and retiring.

I could see myself living in a place where I didn't have to worry anymore.