haven't blogged in a while

It's Saturday morning, and I'm at the coffeehouse.

I haven't blogged in a while. I'm tried all the time, and i don't want to work anymore.

It's interesting, because I sit here at the coffeehouse and I think to myself, it seems like life is such a loop. We work and work and work, but it just consists of doing the same thing over and over and over.

What am I getting at, by doing stupid massage? It's just an endless sea of bodies, of people I never see again, and probably never want to see again. Life is so frickin' repetative. I don't want to repeat an endless loop, and never get anywhere.

I've been thinking about quitting my job, because I just don't want to do it anymore.

I guess my book interests me because its not a loop, its static. You write it once, and it sits there forever.

I'm tired of doing meaningless work. At my day job, I run around like an idiot worrying about stupid packages getting where they belong. I just don't want to do it anymore. What does it matter, if I get one envelope from point A to point B? The answer is, it doesn't. And the people at my job are totally bland. The strange part is, I just don't care anymore. I just ... I'll probably quit, though I won't like having no money. And I don't want to ever have credit card bills again.

I guess the loop does end in some respects. I paid off a credit card bill. I just never want to owe money again. That part of the loop is going to end for me.

I was looking at my landlord, who is older and owns properties. And he's rich, so what? I don't want to get to the end of my life, and find out that all I had was a big pile of money.

Everything in this life revolves around scrambling around. To get something. As my body decays, I rush in circles to grab money or ... I don't know what.

I play this game, World of Warcraft. And it's so fascinating, because you do this little silly quests, and level up. It constantly asks you to go to the next level. And you do get some interesting stuff, but ... what does any of it matter? Really, it's just the fun along the way that counts. And it's neat to walk around with really incredible armour.

I'm tired of feeling scared and abused by other people. I don't want that anymore.

I was thinking the other morning, about how I wanted to work for an hour before work, and force myself to do write. And then I just went ... forget it. What if I don't care? What if I just don't write. And then I thought about how I'm constantly thinking about leaving my job. And then I thought, "What if I don't?"

It's faking it, in a way. Sometimes, I feel like I live in fear, and I just don't believe that I can have a good job, or more importantly, succeed as a writer. But then another part of me thinks, what if I just did things I found to be rewarding, like massage and WOW and writing.